Thursday, March 31, 2005

Porn Rant

Here is my rant for the day. I started going off earlier today in an IM conversation and figured it would be better to blow the steam off here. It'll make a better post than "this is what's going on today" anyway...


Lots of people don't like it - especially my homo-chromosomed counterparts running around this rock. I love it. I don't see the problem with it. It's great! Sexuality is something that is IN all of us - it's something that we all deal with. Even people with challenged mental capacities have urges and wonder about it. So why do people perceive it as such a bad thing?

A lot of women are insecure and wonder why their boyfriends and husbands look at other women. Come on, girls! Don't tell me you don't recognize attractive attributes in other men all the time. Don't tell me that you wouldn't recognize those same attributes in a NAKED man! It's just been programmed into us since a young age that we are the chaste and innocent - and men aren't. Therefore men can appreciate the fairer sex's attributes in a purely sexual way, but women are conditioned not to.

FREE yourselves, women! And free your men.

JUST because a man is looking at another woman, does that automatically mean she is more attractive than you? Does that mean he would leave you if given the chance? Does it even mean that he would prefer her company to yours?

The answer to ALL of these is NO!!!

Have a little respect for yourself and your qualities BEYOND your cup size! Your boyfriend or husband is yours because of more than your looks. If not, maybe you should reconsider his status.
Consider this - how many IQ's have you seen flashed across the screen of a porn? How many times have you seen "Cooks a great meatloaf" or "Washes skidmarked boxers" pasted across a set of boobs? You are more to him than the curve of your hips or the size of your breasts. Physical is JUST physical. Emotional connection is so much greater than that.

So let your man look at porn. You look too! Turn yourselves on, then finish each other off. It's more than okay - it's great!

Off to watch some porn,


Wednesday, March 30, 2005

I .... FREAKING .... ROCK!

...or at least my horoscope seems to think so. Today's words of wisdom are:

"You're so darned charming now, you can hardly believe it yourself. So imagine how your lucky companion is feeling -- and yes, that does go for anyone who happens to be working with you, too."

So, tell me...feeling lucky? :-D

How did my horoscope know that I feel like the Queen of the World today? It's both lovely and creepy how dead on this thing is sometimes.

I'm still no closer to that weird little corner today, but I feel great. I dont know what it is about the last couple of days, but I really feel good. I feel worth something. My self-esteem and self-image are in check. And what's even better - somehow I've finally gotten over my mad testosterone rush of the last week-ish. I am no longer completely distracted by thoughts of porn and sex in my day. I've geared back down into my occasional Angelina Jolie/Stuart Townsend threesome daydreams. *grin* Hahahaha! But, yeah...I'm good.

Things with Chris are going really really well. We've communicated a lot over the last couple of days and we plan on catching up and spending some quality time really talking soon. You know talking, that stuff that people just don't have time for much anymore. We're going to sit down, shut off the tv, and look at each other. It'll be nice. We are understanding a lot more one another's needs during our relationship time, and I think this is great. I think it's not only making the time that we are "together" more rewarding and special, I think that when/if we decide to end it that will be a much easier process too. When/if...yep, I said it. The more time I spend with him and the more we're at this *official couple* thing the more comfortable I am with it. Honestly, I thought I'd be ready to jump ship by now. On the contrary, I'm settling in more and more. I, of course, do not expect the same out of him - but I am ready to at least admit what I'm thinking.
This does not mean that I'm throwing my Casual Dating plan out the window. This does not mean that I'm viewing our relationship as something more than just a relationship. When I started out on this whole "relationship after marraige" quest I swore that I would not see every relationship as a precursor to engagement and marriage, and I'm sure-as-shit not starting now. All I'm saying is that I don't see this as something that has to have an expiration date. I'm going to embrace my new Piratess attitude and just let this ride out until the wind is out of the sails. I'm just going to hang...

OH! In other happy news:
1) I got my magnetic poetry back and it is up on the fridge. I am now ready to write shitty poetry, limited to whatever words I can find in a hurry, for any houseguest to see! I love magnetic poetry - come and read some sometime!
2) Paul Fucking Oakenfold is coming to Houston on FRIDAY and I should be there. PAUL F'ING OAKENFOLD!!!! Somehow I missed the announcement until this morning, but I hope to buy tickets for Chris and I tomorrow. Paul Oakenfold is GOD!!! Woo hoo!!!!

Hangin' and happy,

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

What to say about today...

I clicked on the "New Post" option with the hopes that once this screen popped up inspiration would arrive.

It hasn't...


Hmm....well crap.

I had another really weird dream last night - very vivid. I don't remember QUITE as much about it as I did the last one, but this one didn't seem to be nearly as symbolic. Plus when I woke up from it the option to cuddle up with Chris a little more outranked the option of getting up to write the whole thing down. The dream involved me and my roommates at a Fairfield Inn. For whatever-the-fuck reason there were big scary dolphins in the pool. The dolphins kept jumping out of the water trying to get things out of peoples' socks (no one wore shoes, but everyone had socks on). The dolphins weren't particularly menacing, just massively huge and a little intimidating as they flung themselves out of the water and nipped at people's toes. Buddy and I both were "attacked" and I got a cut on my foot from one of the dolphins.

THEN (as if this dream needed to get any weirder) there were tornados. Lots and lots of very black tornados. And more than that the tornados seemed to be conscious beings - aware of our locations in the hotel and they seemed to be actually hunting us down. I ran from one on one side of the hotel and went to Carmilla on the opposite side. I yelled at her that there were tornados and that we needed to get to an interior room (heard this enough as I was growing up in Tornado Alley). Just as we were trying to run away another tornado formed outside the window that she was next to and this one blew out the window before we could get away. The tornado started sucking her out and she grabbed me. I grabbed something that was attached to a wall and held on. The alarm went off and I woke up. Creepy weird...

Perhaps this is all just some weird after-effect of the Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pocket I had for dinner...

Besides just feeling weird after such an offbeat dream last night I am very expectant today. Expectant of what, I don't know. I just have that anxious feeling. If I were the lovely artistic type I would paint a picture. The picture would be of a long sidewalk with a tall fence to the left. Behind the fence would be a thick screen of very tall trees. But coming up soon at the end of the sidewalk there is a left turn. There is a blurry shadow of something just beyond the corner that falls out over the sidewalk in front of me. I'm just cruising this silly sidewalk wondering what is around the corner - getting closer and more curious with every passing step. I don't know what is coming - I don't know if it is good, bad, or indifferent. But I just know that something is on its way. Once I figure out what it is, I'll let you know.

Not a very inspired post today, but interesting. Just a little rambling writing to help me kill some time...

Expecting something...

Monday, March 28, 2005

Expect the Unexpected

After the shock of last Thursday I knew things would be different.

And they are.

Surprisingly, they are better.

I'm not going to go into a lot of detail here and now - information will surely be leaked out in time, but for now I'm just keeping what I know. Suffice it to say though, that life is good for a Monday morning. And to think I nearly called in sick! While a morning in bed might have been nice, this morning's happenings were infinitely nicer.

For those of you who were concerned, thanks so much for the IM's and the emails! ESPECIALLY *L* - btw, how about that reading...???

A quick update on my weekend, etc.
Movie reviews: Robots - frickin' AWESOME!! Go see it
The Ring 2 - wait until it comes out on video...not as good as the first

My folks house - Great and a half as usual. I love my mom and dad. And they seem to like Chris. The whole purpose of the weekend was *definitely* not some "bring the boyfriend home to meet the parents" thing - Chris was just kind of along for the ride - but they seemed to get along great. And my parents didn't say a thing about us not needing separate beds. It was a non-issue. Guess I shouldn't have worried...

Austin - didn't do much - mostly a bunk trip. But it WAS Austin, and I love Austin so much. Went and ate at Quacks and that was worth the trip alone. I just love being there and breathing the air.

And on that note my lunch hour is just about over with. I better wrap this up. More will be revealed later, I promise! *wink*

And to my new friend, as odd as it is, if you're reading - Hi! It was so nice to talk with you. I hope we talk again soon.

Here's to finding new friends in the oddest places and situations,

Thursday, March 24, 2005

That'll do it.

You want to know the best thing to knock me out of that mood I was in yesterday?


That's all. I'd write more but with all of these things floating around in my head there's not much more for decipherable sentences.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Sex Change

This is probably going to be the most personal thing that I've ever posted on my blog, but I'm hoping by posting it I will exorcise the issue and be able to move on with my day.

Today I feel like a man.

More specifically, today I am a horny bastard.

I have this absolutely insaitiable urge to look at porn and fuck a lot.

I don't know why. Did my body dump a completely unnecessary amount of testosterone into my blood overnight by accident?

Maybe this will carry on to other areas of my life. Maybe I will begin to scratch private parts in public places and think only of myself. Maybe I'll forget to care and stop all introspection.

Or more likely, I'll still go on being me.

So maybe today I'm just a really horny woman who likes porn.

You be the judge.


Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Stuff To Do

Everyone hates those emails that give you hoardes of life advice about kissing peoples' asses and turning the other cheek - ESPECIALLY when they are followed by "and if you don't send this to 50 of your closest friends in the next 45 seconds you will DIE!" But I did get one in my email from my mother the other day that did have some really good words of wisdom in it. So I will put some of them here and share my comments on them. Yes, I am a lazy blogger - but then again being a motivated blogger isn't in this list of rules to live by. So there... :-D

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
Yep - make someone's day and stop being a bitch. Thanks a lot! In all honesty though, this is very true. You never know when someone you're dealing with is at the end of their rope. Give them a little more to work with and you'll be surprised how far you can get.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
I think this is ridiculously important - as there is no doubt there will be times when neither of you is physically able to do more than speak with one another. But more than this - marry someone that you can sit and simply stare out the window or around the room with too. Someone you can stand to be silent with is golden.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
A-fucking-men! You can't take it with you, so enjoy your money and your time while you're here. Buy that over-priced pay-per-view and then sleep through it! Fuck it! :-D
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
And say it OFTEN. And mean it every time. Loveable people are everywhere. When you find them, let them know it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
Another comment not to be taken lightly. Admit your mistakes and take responsibility. But more than that, when someone ELSE says it - accept it, believe it, and move on.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
...or just don't get married. It's just a piece of paper that lets the government know what you're up to. It's simpler - believe me!
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
Just open yourself up to it. It's there...
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
I had my dreams that I had written in a journal stolen and made fun of. It was probably one of the worst feelings I've ever felt in my entire life. I would not wish this feeling on my worst enemy - you shouldn't either.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
Absolutely. Giving your heart to someone is one of the greatest things that you will ever do. Don't do it half-assed.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
People who call other people names just to hurt them suck. They suck a lot. Because as much as words are just words, they hurt and they stick with you.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
I'll just smile at this one - because we all know someone who prays that others follow this rule every day.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
Take a minute before running your mouth to consider the consequences of what you say. Remember - a conversation goes two ways. It's not just about what you say, but how the listener will receive it. The listener hears not only with their ears but their heart. What are you telling it?
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
There's not a damn thing wrong with questioning motives - in fact if you do it more often you might not go off on an obsessive rampage when you do it! :-D hahaha
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
Peoople are amazing creatures. They can be broken and bruised and hurt beyond belief, but they can also be rebuilt and restored. Don't be afraid to let go. Without struggle, there is no progress (this was in a fortune cookie I ate once - the fortune is still hanging on my monitor at work).
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
Especially to strangers - it's a great way to get and give a smile - and you might just meet a new friend!
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
Because there IS a lesson behind every loss. Just find it.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
Everyone seems to have an issue with respect - either with respecting themselves or others. jsut remember everyone deserves it - even you! As far as responsibility - My mom once had a sign hanging in her classroom that said "RESPONSIBILITY is the high price we pay for SELF-OWNERSHIP". 'Nuff said.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
True friendship is bigger than everything - really. A great friend is something that doesn't come around often enough. Work harder to keep your friends than for anything.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
And don't be afraid to make mistakes - because you can't learn from mistakes until you make them.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
I'll admit I have a very hard time with this one - but I'm on the phone ALL day at work. I will also admit though that if I *do* smile while answering the phone - the conversation is much more pleasant.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
Everybody needs this. Spending time with other people all the time does not allow you the time to truly figure out who you are by yourself. If you dont know who you are on your own it's impossible to deal with others - you're always showing them a mutated version of yourself. Making time for yourself ensures that the person that people see when they meet you is REALLY you - and not just the rubbings-off of those you have been running with for weeks.

That's all I have to say about that for today I guess.

A quick update on other stuff - I've completely pussed out and haven't even brought up the conversation of emotional currency with Chris. I guess I'm still considering myself in the stage of looking for something that might already be there. But I'm not making a really big effort. I think I'm scared.


Friday, March 18, 2005

Some Answers

Please keep your currency comments coming - I'm really having a great time learning so much about everyone. I've gotten a couple of comments here but more in person. As I continue to gather information on other's currencies I wanted to go ahead and share a revelation or two on my own issues that I've learned going through all of this.

I mentioned that I have a difficult time accepting emotional currency from others. The reality of this situation is that I'm just fine with friends but accepting from the opposite sex, mainly Chris, is what I have a difficult time with. You see, with my husband, for four and a half years every gesture of "love" was usually just a manipulation or a ploy. He's screwed something up really badly and was attempting to make up for it, or he was trying to manipulate me in some other way. I now associate acceptance of that emotional currency as something negative. What a shitty habit! I'm happy to say, however, that it is one that I am ready to break. Sure it would be nice and easy to settle in and live with this relationship handicap for the rest of my life, but I am stronger than that. I should respect myself more than that. And so I will change...

The biggest potential issue to this life altering decision is the fact that Chris and I get on so well because he doesn't really OFFER a lot of emotional currency. I am comfortable with him because I don't feel manipulated by any special actions or words from him. There is nothing *special* that he does or says to me that he wouldn't be just as likely to do or say to a stranger on the street. So on this new quest, how am I going to cope with knowing that I should be getting something from someone who has nothing to give. This could be the real test of our fledgling relationship and friendship. I don't know how to ask, and I'm afraid that even if I did he would say no. I'm afraid this is a big decision time - something like care or get off the pot! Hahaha!

Luckily I do see a couple of lights at the end of this clusterfucked tunnel that I am losing myself down these days. The first of these is that we're simply missing it. Perhaps with a little investigation I will see that there *is* something that I am getting from my relationship with Chris that I'm just not able to see yet. He could be dropping that emotional coinage right out through a hole in his pocket that he doesn't notice and I can't see it laying on the ground because I'm too busy watching his smile to see it. Maybe the answer is right there at my toes, I've just got to stop and look for it. The second choice is a long shot - but, hey, it's a Red Sox year - and that's that Chris will actually see what I'm looking for here and make an effort. This may be a light in a tunnel, but it's a light after a really long and hard climb. I'm not good at asking for things - especially from him. I don't like wanting something from him. I feel...needy...I suppose. I *am* his girlfriend though, and maybe that counts for something. Maybe that means I'm allowed to need something...I don't know.

What's important to me through all of this is maintaining a friendship with Chris. He was my friend before I went all nutty over him and I want to make sure he's my friend after. Maybe he'll tell me that he doesn't want me to need something from him and maybe I'll puss out and put off my betterment plans for another time. Or maybe not... Who knows? Not me.

Once again - thoughts?

Finding the strength to change....maybe (how's that for commitment, eh?)

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

What's Your Currency?

Sorry it's been so long since my last blog. My frustration over actually getting my last blog to APPEAR has kind of left me unmotivated. Oh, and I'm really busy at work.

But I wanted to talk to you all a little bit today about emotional currency. What's yours? What the hell is it, you ask. Well emotional currency is what you USE or what you GET in a relationship (any relationship - friend, family, lover) that is valuable. Some people's currency is words - they say nice things in order to show that they care. They expect others to say nice things to them. It's their way of trade in order to show affection, attraction, or care. Others use actions as currency - DO something for me to show me you care. THIS is what I'm doing for YOU to show you that I care. Still some other people actually use CURRENCY as their currency - pay my bills and I'll know you care, etc. Of course, they don't always have to match. Some show in one way but expect to receive in another.

So anywhoo - my challenge for all of my blogreaders today is to examine your own emotional currency. What do you do for others to show that you care? What do you EXPECT from others?

This was a topic of conversation at work yesterday that led me to analyze my own emotional currencies. And what I've come up with - NOTHING! I can't pinpoint anything.
I think I pay out in every denomination. Money tends to be something that I dole out as often as possible to those I care about. I try and ACT on anything or in any way that I think other people may appreciate. I try and express my feelings as much as possible - even though words seem lacking to me so often. As I look at myself - I see myself continually paying out all day long, in every way I possibly can, almost to the point of exhaustion - just because I feel like that's what I need to do. But I'm not sure if it's allowable to pay in every denomination - perhaps I have a specialty that I just can't see. Can anyone else help me out on this one??

And as far as what I expect? Oh geez...this is something that I'm struggling with a lot. Because of my own silly self-esteem issues I tend not to EXPECT anything from anyone. I simply don't accept emotional currency well. Of course my friends and loved ones do and say things all the time that make me feel special and cared for - but there is nothing that I particularly look for as a sign of this affection. I feel like I *should* - I feel like I should pick one and start holding people to that standard. But choosing is nearly impossible. The closest guess I can come up with right now is simply communication. I want you to tell me what you're thinking and feeling. Nothing is more gratifying to me than for "you" (my theoretical giver) to open yourself up to me for a few minutes. Let me peek in for a while. Show me *you*. Is that an allowable currency? Is it wrong for me to ask?

This is a post full of questions. Please - let me know!


Monday, March 14, 2005


That's my best pirate impression! Hahaha! I learned how to sail over the weekend!

My friend Dave (who I lived with for 3 months after first leaving my husband) invited me out to go sailing on his brother's boat on Saturday morning. Having no other plans thus far I decided it would be a great day for it. So we went and sailed and got the rails wet quite a few times! Jim's boat is a 29 foot sailboat and we did REAL sailing out in the Gulf of Mexico. I am officially a pirate! Aarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhh!!

In all actuality - they did let me at the helm for the majority of the trip. I learned really quickly how to steer the boat and only got tossed around a few times! :-D I did get crispy on my neck and arms - but sunburns heal.

So here is a picture of me apres-sailing at a great little restaurant called Noah's Ark WAY off the beaten path in Kemah. GREAT food! Yum, catfish po' boy!

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That's all for now - wow, my blog is quickly becoming a photo blog. Surely I have more to say than this!

...actually I DO, but that's a topic for a later time. I wanted this to be a happy post! More later...yuck!


Friday, March 11, 2005

Some Normalcy

This entire week has been a complete break from the norm. No Chris, no car, no going out at's been quite a culture shock for me.
Last night was a very welcome return to normalcy! I went out to Sam's Boat to see Pete and Sam. Carmilla and I were at home lamenting our sorry financial situation and remembered that there MIGHT just be a folk or two out at the boat who we could talk into buying us a EVEN if I had to drink water all night I really wanted to see Pete and Sam again. So we were off! What a great time! I danced a lot and just enjoyed being there. I needed a little normalcy this week. Of course Carmilla had to get up early this morning so I didn't get to close the place down like I normally do, but that was fine too. I did take some pictures with the camera phone that I'll go ahead and share - I hope the guys don't mind!

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That's all for just now...I'm not feeling too bloggy this morning...


Thursday, March 10, 2005


Why is blogger being so stupid today?? Oh well…I will not take up my blogging space bitching and moaning about it…at least not anymore! :-D

So here’s how the week is going up to this point. Yesterday brought some really interesting happenings and realizations.

First, yesterday afternoon I got a random IM from a guy that I used to chat with pretty regularly – Josh. Josh has been by the house before and was one of my “good friends” during my Keep Chris Casual days. I hadn’t talked to him in a really long time, so the random “hello” in the IM was quite a surprise. Well he wanted to come by last night. I said okay. Chris and I have an “openness optional” relationship so I wasn’t exactly worried about repercussions so I figured what the hell…
And then I started thinking…
And it didn’t feel right…
I don’t really know why I changed my mind but I did. It could be any number of reasons really – or a combination of all of them. I haven’t quite put my finger on it yet.

  • Maybe I just didn’t want to be the first to take advantage of the Open Option
  • Maybe I just didn’t feel like going home and shaving my legs
  • Maybe it was because my Romantic Daily Horoscope said not to make any plans for the day or to cancel any made plans
  • Maybe I remembered that I’m just not that into Josh
  • Maybe I was just looking for an excuse to keep Chris off my mind for a night instead of cleaning
    …or scariest of all…
  • Maybe I just don’t want to be with anybody else. This reason is the scariest because with the “openness option” this would leave me in the prime position to get really hurt. Ewww…

Whatever the reason, or combination or reasons, I cancelled. Basically it just didn’t seem worth the mental struggle. I felt so much better after that – and I know I made the right decision. Of course, he seemed pretty pissed so I’d imagine this isn’t a decision I’m going to have to make again – I doubt he’ll call. Oh well – no loss!

So I spent the evening cleaning more stuff around my room. Last night I tackled more paperwork in/on/around my desk and cleaned out a couple of shelves on my bookcases.

I also watched some TV. I’ve watched a lot of TV this week, which is really weird. I’d definitely gotten out of the habit since getting such a busy social life and it’s a hard habit to get back into. Did anyone catch last night’s episode of That 70’s Show? I did and am quite ashamed to admit that I cried (it was a happy, touching cry – nothing bad). It just hit really, really close to home. Kelso spent a day with his little baby daughter and realized how much he wanted to build a real relationship with her. He realized that daddies are so important in a little girls life, and they are. My daddy is so important to me. I don’t think any girl should be without hers.

Coping...I'm at it,


Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Pack Rat Confessions

I'm cleaning this week. I'm cleaning a LOT. It's amazing the crazy amount of shit that I've kept over the years.

Chris is moving in next week. That's right. Once "Hell Week" is over (for me, not for him - and I'm actually very happy for him...just scared for me) he is supposed to be coming to live with me. Which will be great - definitely save a little money on gas from back-and-forth Deer Park trips. Of course he'll still be making the trip 3 times a week until school is out - but I'm really looking forward to it.

Of course, I've got a closet full of stuff that I've needed to go through to make room for all of his stuff. Luckily - I'm Oren-less this week and have got a little extra time on my hands. Last night I tackled the toughest task of them all - paperwork! What a frickin' pack rat I have been! I've held on to stuff from the last few years like pay stubs, bank statements, paid bills, frickin' CONTACT PRESCRIPTIONS, and even money order receipts from when I used to pay the bills with money orders when I *first* moved down to Houston. It was insane. I filled up TWO 13-gallon trash bags with all of the trash and am tossing it all. I can't believe I've had all of this stuff for so long! The good news is that my closet is starting to look much more tolerable - I should have plenty of room for Chris and all of his stuff when he starts bringing it in next week.
I've still got more cleaning and organizing to do - but all I've got is time in the evenings so I'm not anticipating a problem! :-D You know, I meant for this week to be a time to catch up on my reading. While I've done a little of it - I'm mostly just obsessively cleaning. I don't know why. It's not like he's *not* going to move in if my room isn't good enough for him....hahaha. I'm just being silly...

BTW - some of you may be wondering why I don't shred all of this delicate information purged from my closet...and, darlings, if you've taken a peek at my credit you'll know an identity theif isn't going far with MY social security number! So SCREW 'EM! Hahahahaha! I do plan on having my credit back on track by the end of the year - but I'll deal with that when or if it happens...just like everything else in life!

I've just got to get through the day...and then the least I've got lots of stuff at home to keep my obsessing mind busy!

If you're looking for me tonight - check under the pile of purses, bags, and shoes in my closet! :-D

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Starting Over / New Beginnings

Well...yesterday's 10.0 migraine started at around 2 and finally let go around 9. It was hellish...

But I slept. I slept deeply. And I dreamed.

I dreamed one of those insanely vivid dreams that you're sure must mean something. And I think mine did. I either need to start over or am about to start over. Some new beginning is on the way. This is my dream.

I am living with my current roommates - Carmilla and Buddy. But we are not living in the house we are now. I think we are actually living in Hyde Park in Austin - which I consider to be circumstancial since I've just been thinking of moving there a lot lately. I'm at home and Carmilla grabs me and takes me out of the house. She says that it is time to start over - time for a new start. She says we will go out for a walk or a jog. I go along willingly. On the way out she knocks over one of those old fashioned oil lamps - full. Oil spills all over the floor and the flame catches it all on fire. We leave the house and are walking. Our walking gets steadily faster until we are up to a jog. We are heading into a retail district. About the time we are at an all-out sprint, I look to my right and see a guy named Mike Potter, who is an accountant I work with. He's a really great guy and I have nothing but respect for him. He and his wife are expecting their second baby in a couple of months and I'm ridiculously excited for them. Carmilla and I are sprinting, and Mike is keeping up, but somehow he is going the same speed but is walking leisurely. I look back ahead and we are at a store. Carmilla and I shop for a few minutes - just browsing. We leave the store without buying anything and decide enough time has passed that we can go back to the house. We walk back to the house - the whole time we can see the smoke from our burining home lifting high up into the air. It takes us MUCH longer to walk home than it did to get to the store. When we get there our house is completely gutted by the fire, Buddy is there, and our neighbors are starting to go thru the debris. We feign surprise. I ask what has survived. I think of all that I lost. A neighbor brings me by two things and says that this is all that is left of my stuff - my green fleece pullover and one blue purse (I haven't carried this one in a LONG time but it is in my closet with my other 15 purses). I realize that I *am* starting over and that this is all I am starting with.

The dream is over and I wake up. I'm immediately struck by how vivid it is and how much I can remember from it. I decide to go to my tarot cards. I shuffle them, still thinking about the dream. I draw Tara - Beginnings - right-side-up. My tarot books says:

"Tibetans believe that the goddess Tara has the power to heal all sorrows and grant all wishes. Tara is honored as the protectress against the many fears that block men and women from living in happiness and harmony. Meanings: Innocence which protects. New beginnings. Optimism. Innocent trust."

Anyone have any ideas? I'm sure that all of this means a lot, but I don't know what yet.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Oh 1

Okay. So this is my first Chris post in almost a month. Give me some credit, here, people! I just can't not write about him today - so bear with me.

I didn't sleep a wink last night. We had company over until late - around 12:15 or so - but I did go to bed RIGHT after, so I should have been dead asleep by 12:30ish...should have been. I laid there and checked the clock - 1am...2am...3am...4am (geez I've got to start waking up soon)...5am...5:30 (alarms start going off and I convince myself that if I can just get to sleep I deserve to stay in bed until 6). I swear I looked at the clock every 5 minutes until 6 rolled around. So I get up and start the day.
Those who know me and know me well should know that I generally don't have any issue getting to sleep. I could sleep standing up if I decided it was time. I've slept on strangers couches, in cars, in hallways of high schools and universities. I'm an expert sleeper - I get the job done.
The reason for this odd wakefulness? At 4:00pm yesterday afternoon I watched my beloved Oren Hatchback and Chris heading away down my street. I don't expect to see either of them again until late Sunday morning or early Sunday afternoon - I HOPE! There are fears swimming through my head that I know and a whole slew of them that are hiding in the shadows just past my sight.
First, I'm obviouisly worried about my car. I trust Chris indefinitely - I really do. But Houston is a pretty ridiculous place to drive - and he's also taking a couple of road trips this week. And I just hope that all of the other idiot drivers on the road take it real easy and drive as safely as he will. Much more than the safety of Oren Hatchback I worry about the safety of the folks IN the car. Oren, as ballsy as he is, is quite a small little vehicle - and while the safety of MINIs is astounding and wonderful I worry. If an accident were to happen, I just hope that everyone riding in the car is safe. These are just trivial fears, though, as I know that Chris is a wonderful driver and will keep everyone safe.

Second, I just can't help it, I'm afraid of what a visit from her (he calls her Luci, I don't know what to call her) will do to us. I know that he is not going to ditch his entire life here in the Houston area and all of his friends to go back and be a family up north, but it's still a scary concept. I get a little nervous when dealing with situations where the outcome is completely unknown. I know I'll never lose him as a friend - which at the end of the day is all I really care about - but it's still kind of a scary concept. I've gotten really happy settled into what we have. I guess it's just a matter of druthers. I druther things stay just how they are! :-D

And then...there's the unknowns. There's those things that I know that are there that I could never expect. There are those things that come up and slap you in the side of the head really hard when you're not looking. Those are the things that scare me the most. I trust that the situation is all going to work out fine - my horoscope even said so today - but I just can't help but be scared. I'm trying hard not to. I plan to bury my head in the land of Stephen King this week and try not to think much. Ha! Me- not think...what a concept. Oh well - I'll give it my best shot anyway...

I suppose that's all for now. Just had to get a little off my chest.

Trying to trust the stars,


Friday, March 04, 2005

"...your hands are in my hair but my heart is in your teeth..."

Gotta love Jewel...
A little while back I talked a bit about Sam's ability to write lyrics with great symbolism. I was listening to my mp3's at work today (I've got around 600 that I keep here and keep them on Shuffle all day) and "Near You Always" came on. I remember listening to this in high school, riding around with my best friend and listening to Pieces of You - waxing poetic about love and life (because Lord knows we knew so much back then, hahahahaha). I think that some of my fondest memories in life were played out to that CD. Just like in my favorite movies' soundtracks - I can pick out specific scenes and conversations around each of the songs.

Near You Always is probably one of my favorite songs on the CD. The symbolism, I think, is the best. I have the clearest memory of sitting in the parking lot of Huber Park in my Monte Carlo having a conversation with Robyn about nothing and everything...listening to this song. We loved that line "your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth". I miss her face.

So here's the rest of the song...just in case you don't know it. But why the hell wouldn't you? Hahaha!

Please don't say I love you.
Those words touch me much too deeply.
And they make my core tremble.
Don't think you realize the effect you have over me.
And please don't look at me like that.
It just makes me want to make you near me always.

Please don't kiss me so sweet,
It makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow.
And please don't touch me like that,
Makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow.
And please don't come so close.
It just makes me want to make you near me always.

And please don't bring me flowers,
They only whisper the sweet things you'd say.
And don't try to understand me.
Your hands already know too much anyway.
It just makes me want to make you near me always.

And when you look into my eyes,
Please know my heart is in your hands.
It's nothing that I understand.
But when in your arms,
You have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please, 'cause
Your hands are in my hair, but
My heart is in your teeth
Baby, and it makes me want to make you near me always.
Your hands are in my hair, but
My heart is in your teeth
Baby, and it makes me want to make you near me always.

Want to be near you always.
Want to be near you always.
Want to be near you always.

That's it for today. I was just ridiculously struck by that song this morning and felt like posting a little about it.

Yay for the weekend!


Thursday, March 03, 2005

"The Wind Is Spectacular"

I am so happy that there is someone else out in this world that thinks that wind can be great. For a while I thought that maybe I was the only one. I was reading a blog (you'll see whose...if you check) with this observation in it and realized how rarely something like this is considered.

You see, I grew up in the Texas Panhandle. There were no trees and few large buildings across the entire area to block any wind - so it was just free and fast all across the area. The wind blew ALL THE TIME. It didn't matter what time of day, or what time of year - the wind was always blowing at 5-10 mph at LEAST. It gets to the point where you don't even notice it - it's just a fact of life.

When I left Borger at 18 and moved to Dallas I didn't realize how much I had grown to love that constant blowing. Dallas had trees, buildings, and more forgiving weather so the wind was just not around much. I missed it.

One day, as summer was just starting to give way to fall, I was standing on my aunt's front lawn waiting for my cousing to pick me up. We were going to spend the afternoon at the library. I was dressed, had my purse, and decided on a whim to just wait out front and enjoy the sounds and sights of the neighborhood. I had heard on the weather that a cool front was supposed to be moving in, and I stepped out of the house just in time for it. It was the most amazing feelings I've ever felt. Standing on the front lawn, the air is still. I hear a distant sound - almost like the hum of a car engine. I look down the street and can see the trees at the far end of the block start to sway. And then it a rush the cold front comes through. The wind picks up instantaneously to around 20 mph. My hair flies and my clothes flap in the wind. I LOVED it! I had missed this feeling for months! I closed my eyes and raised my hands up in the air and just felt the air pass by me. It was lovely.

The cold front passed by me, the wind stopped blowing, and left behind a much colder afternoon. But I was outside at JUST the right time to feel the wind. And it was spectacular.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Pulling Weeds

The mind is a funny thing. When it is lacking in a specific area it tends to make up for the loss in strange and unusual ways. We, as a society, see this every day. The crazy homeless people on the side of the road or the "eccentric" activities of our neighbors are all examples of this. I recall watching a short movie in my 8th grade health class about anorexia, and it explained that often this disease is less about weight loss and more about control. When a person feels that they have lost control in some area of their life, or in all areas of their life, they look to anorexia - because controlling their eating habits is one thing that they have absolute say over.

I was out at lunch just a little bit ago and noticed that the weeds are coming back for the year. Yes, spring is upon us, and with it comes the ugly stalks of weeds growing out over the grass and in the plant beds here at work. Sister, out at lunch with me, noticed a weed growing at her feet. She reached down and plucked it out of the ground. It was such a tiny weed - little more than a couple of leaves sticking up out of the mulch - but she noticed it. As I looked out over the rest of the beds and across the lawn I saw many more of these little blemishes peppering the ground. It brought back memories of last year - last year when my mind compensated for it's troubles with weed-pulling.

At this time last year I was at the end of my rope. I was stuck in a marraige that no longer made me happy and I had no idea how to get out. I was afraid. I didn't know if I could make it on my own. At my worst times I wondered if "this" was as good as things would ever be...if "this" was all I could ever hope for. I felt out of control and unable to fix things. I felt like my life was overgrown with problems that I could not seem to get a grip on. I was completely lost.

One day at work on my way down to the shop, like I had so many other days, I noticed a very large and ugly weed growing just on the lawn side of the walkway. I stopped and yanked the weed out of the ground and felt tiny twinge of pride as I looked at the immediate improvement made to the look of the walkway. This tiny action, and the resulting feeling, was the most rewarding and probably best thing that had happened to me in weeks. However, it was also the beginning of one of the most mentally unstable times I've ever had.

You see, I remembered that good feeling that came with pulling that weed and it became an obsession. Every afternoon when I walked down to the shop I took a wad of paper towels and a plastic bag with me to pick up any weeds I might find on the way. I stopped eating on my lunch hour, opting instead to walk the campus at work and pull weeds from the sides of the roads and walks and pacing back and forth across the lawns looking for any more imperfections to pull from the ground. It was late spring and early summer and insanely hot outside. I would come in from my lunch hour dripping and on the verge of heatstroke, but I could not stop. On days when there had been a bit of rain and the weeds were thick I felt triumphant! On those days when I came in with few "kills" I was dejected. Pulling weeds had become my sanctuary - the only thing that I thought about. Since I was unable to pluck the negativity from my own life, I depended on pulling it from the ground. I'd crossed over into a completely insane activity.

Time passed and the seasons changed. Autumn came and everything started to die. The wealth of weeds that grew across the grounds at work stopped, and I was crazy. I fell further down into a depression and was quite mentally unstable. It's amazing the profound impact that losing that "hobby" had on me. While it was an unimaginable tragedy at the time, I look back and realize that losing this release was good for me. Mentally, I went off the deep end. I was g-o-n-e GONE. But from that mental rubble, I emerged and got out of my unhappy situation. In September I left my marraige. Today I am so much happier. I looked out today at lunch across the lawn at the weeds and imperfections and was able to see them for what they were - just weeds. I didn't have to go out and start picking. It felt felt SANE.

To sanity, or at least a little of it!


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