Thursday, April 28, 2005

Call it research...

Okay so I have not made time to sit and consider my situation yet this week. If all else fails I will try and do some serious soul searching on the way to Faire this weekend - Chris will be driving Molly and will be pulling all driving shifts since I can't drive her. I'll get comfy in the back of the van and do some thinking I PROMISE. When I'm not reading The Wastelands... :-D

I think the reason why I haven't made much of an effort to dig is because I'm scared. Like I have said numerous times I am ridiculously happy with my current situation. As lost as I might feel, it's a good feeling. It's kind of like being drunk I suppose - I feel completely out of control and lost, but I'm not complaining. I suppose it's like the time I was getting on a little too well with my whiskey and had to start 12-steppin'. I've got to find some way to get control again. Of course just like 12-stepping, change is scary. I may be having more fun now - what if the "right" life just isn't as much fun. What if change means that I have to make some difficult decisions? I'm scared. might ask, "Just what the fuck have you been up to?" Well I have been doing some good things - laundry, cleaning out the garage, catching up with some reading, some old friends, a steamy-lovely-hot bath, and a bike ride. Despite my lost feeling and the ever-constant guilt twinge, I've had a very fulfilling couple of days. Of course, I have thought this through enough to completely justify my laziness. I'm doing research. Try bits and pieces of new or recently lost activities to see how you feel. See how they fit into my life. Test the waters. So...research is going well! Hopefully I will be able to halt research soon to start analyzing. We'll see how it goes.

Happy Thursday!

Monday, April 25, 2005

Stop. Step back. Think. Decide. Start again.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Instructions in life are often so simple, yet so easy to ignore. WHY do I have to repeat? Ahhh...fuck it! Once should be enough right?
Somewhere down the line of history "Repeat" was put there for a reason. Maybe it was just so you'd use more shampoo, go through it faster, and have to buy even more shampoo. Maybe there was a real reason for it. Who really knows? But what I want to think about and blog about today is not hair care - it's life, and why the simple directions given to me are the hardest to follow.

There's a very strange sensation going through my life these days. I'm having an absolute fucking blast. I love my life. I love my friends. I am having more fun than I thought imaginable at this time last year. The only thing I could ask for more of is money - and really - what the hell is that? But at the same time - hiding quietly underneath this spinning ball of joy is a feeling of dizzied confusion. Things are out of place. At the very root of me something is wrong. My old habits - the tiny little idiosyncracies that make up "ME" are missing. I'm missing my schedule. I'm missing a routine. I need a minute to stop and think. I need to MAKE myself stop and think.

So this is my plan that I have GOT to put into action before the end of the week. Maybe I will write more about it here, maybe I will write some at home. But I need to:
1. Stop - just for an hour or so and really
2. Step back - from everything for just a little while- cancel some plans so that I can
3. Think - about what's going on in my life lately - what is missing or going wrong and
4. Decide - what to do about these things. How can I improve my situation and
5. Start again - with a better plan and a clearer vision.

Are you my friend? Am I going to see you at some time this week? Have YOU got some free time? I'm going to try really hard to do this on my own, but please - if you see me, grab me and ask if I've done this yet. Make me stop and talk to you for a while. Talk me through this, please! And if I do happen to get motivated enough to do this on my own, be prepared because I may grab you to talk through this with me for a while too.

I rarely ask for help. But I am asking now. Those of you who know me best know that this is a huge deal for me. So

I love y'all.


Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Random Sickly Blogging

I have a lot of stuff to say but no patience or motivation to make multiple posts, edit, or even make much of an attempt. So here's today's completely random, strem-of-consciousness blog.

First thing, my birthday ended up being not quite so bad after all. Chris and I went out for a sundae at Sonic in the ULTIMATE Sonic vehicle...Molly the van...who is back home with Chris finally. I am so ridiculously happy for him even though I don't think I've really been able to show it lately with as sick as I have been. He looks so happy driving her and being in her and around her and all of the rest of it. He looks like he's come home too...his pretty little mobile, orange and white home. I'm happy for both of them...THIS is why I put so much money towards her repair...THIS is what I wanted to see. It's worth every penny. Anywhoo...after sundaes in Molly we went by to see the Merry Widow who is a LOVELY friend and lives way too close for me to see her as rarely as I do. We sat around her house and just talked...and it was awesome. So next year, you guys mark your calendars, and throw me a big damn party - but this year's birthday was great too...

As far as being sick goes...I've been sick pretty much constantly for a couple of months. It's crappy. I quit smoking and I get sick. I thought I was supposed to have the smoker's cough WHILE I was smoking. Life is not fair. But here is the silly thing - and I love all you blogreaders enough to share this with you - my mucous is not infected looking! Sick for 2 months - two months of snotty nose, hacking, coughing, and blowing and nothing exiting my body is dark or scary or funky looking. Shouldn't I have developed some horrible infection by now? This is just too weird - and also the reason why I refuse to go to the doctor about it. I have reached the "drainage nausea" portion of my sickness though - which is a good sign because that part usually comes last. So...a couple of days of coughing until I puke and puking until I dry heave and I should have this thing licked! Woo hoo! I'm way too exited about having my head stuck in the trashcan...

And my final quick random thought before going to my hard-headedness when I am sick. I don't like people around. I don't like people fawning over me and asking if there is anything they can do. I hate being cared for. That's just me. Only my mom...she's the one that can take care of me and bring me stuff and knows what to do when I am sick. But something weird happened last night. I wanted Chris around. I didn't want him to actually DO anything...but I wanted him in the room. I didn't mind if he saw me at my worst and ugliest. It didn't matter to me. I just wanted him near. We had a discussion about this last week and I think this is what really sets him apart from everybody else in my life and why he is my *boyfriend*. I don't just want him around to have a good time with, I don't just want happy times with him. I want him around all the time - for the good and the bad and the plain old mediocre...(mmmmmm...slightly warm.....) :-D I need to go back and do a check on my Love Number...I'm scared...

Lumpch time...gotta run!

Send some healing energy my way - my sinuses could use it!


Monday, April 18, 2005

My Birthday Part 2

I'm trying not to be sad...

But I'm sad...

I'm kind of realizing at the last minute that I wish my birthday were kind of a bigger deal. This is my first birthday away from my asshole soon-to-be-ex-husband. And I should have told someone to throw me a party.

Instead I'm going to do some laundry.

And I guess that's all...


Happy Birthday to Me...part 1

I am pretty busy at work today and will post more later...but I HAD to put this up. This is hilarity from my lovely friend, co-worker, and blogging buddy Nicole.

Birthday E-card...this will become my official Office Dance

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Blog Referral

I PROMISE this blog is not the product of laziness.

Okay...this blog is not ONLY the product of laziness.

Let me tell you one of the reasons why I love you all. I truly believe that I have some of the most intelligent friends. You all have such wonderful perspective and great ideas. My friend Nicole posted a really interesting subject on HER blog which I replied to. I got to thinking and I'd like to hear all of your opinions on the subject as well. So please visit her blog and reply back here or there.

Flex your brain muscles, folks!


Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Drained but Well

You know, I feel guilty. I committed myself some time back to putting myself back onto a more spiritual path, to working some magick at least a couple of times a week, to getting back in touch with the god and goddess within. As with many things in my life, I fell short.

The powers-that-be do have a way of reminding me where I should go...

Over the last week I have had a lot of tragedy, trial, and opportuinity in my life. Friends in need, friends in trouble, and friends needing just a little extra push. I've been drawn more and more to really put forth an effort - to work a little magic - and to send a lot of positive energy their way. And so I decided that tonight was the night.

I came home from work - sick and sleepy - and took a nap. Witches need their rest and energy to work a good spell. I ate. I centered myself and I prepared. And I went for it.

A laundry list of friends and needs. Candles, incense, calling the quarters, and spells. Drawing energy and sending it out. Healing, security, peace, hope, confidence, and love. I hope I did enough.

Gathering and sending that kind of energy has left me feeling very drained, but very happy. This is what I love about Wicca the most. I am not just falling to my knees in my room begging some omnipotent and painfully distant diety for help. I have the power within me and around me. I can summon that energy and direct it where I believe that it should go. I am empowered.




In case you weren't aware - that's a very powerful feeling. :-D
For a person with my past and having lived through what I have, a feeling of being in control, a feeling of having that power is an amazing feeling. I deserve it.

And so I will go on with my evening. It's Wednesday and I may go to the Cafe (if Chris can make it off of the Gamecube ;-) ) As tired as I am I will dance and I will be with my friends. Life will be great.

And to those whom I have sent energy to tonight, I hope that you receive it and that it finds you well and empowered yourself.

Blessed be,

Monday, April 11, 2005

I Heart Boys...and Girls...

You know I get to thinking about all of the different types of people that I'm attracted to...

Really there's quite a few different categories...

So I figured I'd list them out! The pictures are celebrities - not so much because I only find celebrities attractive, but just relatability in general.

First there's the long haired boys:
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Then there's the facial hair boys:
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Of course, the preceeding boy is the groomed facial hair boy. I also have a HUGE thing for dirty boys:
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THEN the goth boys/boys in makeup
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And finally for the boys section there are the Black hair/Blue eyes boys:
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Now as a lovely segway into the "Gals" section - I give you the Sexually Ambiguous section...mmmm:
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(They're ALL hot)

And finally - I'll throw a gal in here. I couldn't find any good pictures on the net of my "usual" type, but this one will do quite nicely. She's short, dark hair, and can pull off the butch look really well, even though she doesn't go for it here:
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These are mostly my types of folks...and combinations of all of these things are DEFINITELY appreciated! Of course, you can see the one and only trait to go thru all sections is dark hair...I just love it!

So...who do you love?


p.s. - BONUS BLOGGER POINTS to anyone who can name ALL of the celebrities!

Friday, April 08, 2005

What's Your Love Number?

Don’t know?? I’m not surprised. Because I just made it up!! :-D

Those of you who know me and who have read my blog know my disappointment with the word “love”. It’s simply used to cover too many actual emotions. I can love hot dogs, my grandma, and the person lying next to me in bed at the same time. That’s too much of a spread for my liking. Despite my disappointments with the word, however, I am going to use it in a pretty broad sense here.

I am going to narrow the scope of “love” for the evening to lustful love, romantic love, and *true* love that you might feel for a member of the opposite sex (or a member of the same sex if you tend to swing that general direction). There are those people that you appreciate their appearance, those that you develop crushes on, people who become special friends, and then those that you *love* - that real, true, soul mate love. For the instances of my love number – I love ALL of these people in some way…because really, I believe that I do.

Think of this love on a scale from 1-10 with 1 being a fleeting, lustful thought, and a 10 being real, true love. Some people in life only need 1 love – they have a love number of 10. Some people need more, around a 15 or even 20! Some people may not need as much love and can survive with a 6. Everyone has a different love number.

I think that 10 is my love number. I think that if I ever am lucky enough to find a soul mate – my number 10 – that is all I will need in this world. Until then of course, I will live my life with a plethora of level 1 crushes, a few level 2 “friends”, or a couple of really special people. 10 is a good number for me…I am happy at 10.

I think that I am currently sitting quite happily at 10. I think that I have 2 main loves right now – a 6 and a 4. Two very important men – close in comparison but one slightly above the other. They may even be a 5.5 and 4.5… but that’s just splitting hairs. :-D

What will the future bring? Who ever really knows? Maybe one will break my heart and I’ll have to fill those gaps with a new crush or crushes. Maybe one will fall away into a friend. The number doesn’t have to keep the same balance – it just has to be there. It’s where I need to be happy. It’s where my heart feels right.

So find your love number and fill your life with enough love to reach it. Loving makes you happy and loving makes you whole. Love with all you have, love like you’ve never felt your heart break, and love absolutely. It’s good for you. This is my wish for all of you.

And if you happen to really think about it - let me know what you find out!

And now I will broaden my definition of love once again to include all of you – my dear friends and blogreaders. I love y’all!



This is not the greatest blog in the world, no. This is just a tribute...

Yeah...If ever, all of a sudden, there shined a shiney demon who told me to blog the best blog in the world I would have blogged the blog that I blogged last night. It was the best blog in the world.

But then stupid, motherfuckin' blogger was a stupid piece of shit and had an error and my blog was lost.

And so I rewrote it in Microsoft Word. I liked the first draft better, but take 2 is perfectly acceptable as the greatest blog in the world.

But even later in the night I couldn't get stupid blogger to work.

I'll try again tonight to copy and paste the greatest blog in the world.

But today, I post a tribute...

As Rod Ryan would say...F Blogger,


Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Instant Karma

What happens to a nice gal who STEALS??? She gets stuff STOLEN!!!

So I'm sleepy and uninspired so I'm stealing this from Cheesepickle's blog just like she stole it from someone elses. Enjoy!

1. YOUR PORN STAR NAME (Name of first pet / Street where you live):Pepper Waxberry!
2. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME (First word you see on your left / Favorite restaurant): Drawing Los Pericos
3. EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS (Favorite Spice / Last Foreign Vacation Spot): Mrs. Dash (how boring am I - a shitty spice and I've NEVER vacationed to a foreign place :-p)
4. "FLY GIRL/BOY" ALIAS (First Initial / First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name) : D-Rod
5. ICON ALIAS (Something Sweet Within Sight / Any Liquid in Your Kitchen): Peach (once again...nothing for name 2 - have you SEEN my kitchen?)
6. DETECTIVE ALIAS (Favorite Baby Animal / Where You Went to High School): Lamb Borger
7. BARFLY ALIAS(Last Snack Food You Ate / Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink) : Strawberry Cape Cod
8. SOAP OPERA ALIAS (Middle Name / Street Where You First Lived: Elizabeth Huber
9. ROCK STAR ALIAS (Favorite Candy / Last Name Of Favorite Musician): Twix Corgan
10. YOUR STAR WARS NAME ( First 2 letters of your first name and the first 3 Letters from your last name makes your first name. Take the first 2 letters of your mother's maiden name and the first 3 letters of the city you were born in for your last name) : Darod Anpam (that took a lot more brainpower than I've got to spare right now...)

Okay ... something more mindless. Time to curl up on the couch and watch Hidalgo. MMMMMmmmm....Viggo Mortensen.....*drool*

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

This little light of mine...

Cheesy song. I used to sing it in Sunday School. It brings up a good point. You have a light. Let it shine.

A person whose happiness or sadness is completely dependent on the thoughts or actions of others will be terminally depressed. You have your own light - and you have to use it. There has to be a spark - a little pilot of joy - inside you. Just a tiny little spark, but when fueled it can explode into a bright and burning flame. Guard your flame closely and light it often, because if it goes out lighting it again is one of the hardest things to do.

Just a little thought that came to me last night....

'Til tomorrow,

Monday, April 04, 2005

A Series of Unfortunate Slumber Events

Friday night - up until 4am Saturday morning. Dancing to Paul Oakenfold. Frickin' awesome. But who knew this would be the first falling domino in my Series of Unfortunate Slumber Events!

Saturday morning - slept semi-late. And napped later in the day. Still tired from the last night's exertions.

Saturday night - up purty late. Watched a movie that we started too late. Then the internet...yay internet! And stuff...mmmmm...stuuuuuuuuuuuff.... :-D

Sunday (wee hours - we probably weren't asleep yet) - that stupid daylight savings crap happened sometime

Sunday *proper* - We slept until WELL past noon but woke with high hopes of homework and housecleaning.

Sunday evening - needed food, found distraction - HEY! Borders! Books, music, and video, you say? Open 'til 10? ALLLLLRIGHTY! Then home for a little homework and housecleaning - FINALLY! :-D

Sunday night/Monday morning - the day's late start, daylight savings crap, and internet porn keep us awake WAY too late. Even after climbing in bed after 2, still can't sleep. FINALLY sleep around 3-ish...

Monday morning *proper* - Geez frickin' Louise, I'm really tired. Maybe I should have considered sleep last night....

Maybe this means I'll go to bed early tonight...maybe not.

Happy Sleepy Monday,

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Hi. How are you. I'm fine.

Boring title...somewhat boring post. Just feel the need to update here and there on my weekend!

First off, Paul Oakenfold was fucking AWESOME! I love electronic music and have missed it a lot lately. Acoustic music at Sam's Boat and easy rock at the Cafe are all very nice - but I've had a whole lot of it lately. I needed the loud, bumping rhythms and the crowded, noisy dancefloor of an electronic show. And Paul O just KNOWS how to get the crowd moving. He doesn't interact with the crowd much (what a fuckin' rock star) which kinda bugs me, but in truth he doesn't have to - he moves us with his skill on the tables.

Next, there's not much to say but this weekend has been really, really nice. Chris and I are just hanging out at the house. We went out for food a time or two, but other than that we're just here. Having internet at the house FINALLY has us both glued to our respective computers. Chris has been working on homework some and I'm basically just screwing around! We watched a movie last night. We stayed up too late and slept WAY too late this morning (or should I say afternoon) considering daylight savings crap. Now a majority of the day is gone and he's still got a paper to write. I'll probably get productive and clean our room or something - it's looking a little styish.

My roommates are both out of town and have been for a majority of the last week. I feel bad for their situation - the man who is Buddy's dad and Carmilla's grandfather is ill and in his final days. I wish them all peace in this difficult time. For me, though, being home alone is a little weird. First off I'm left caring for all of the animals, which has been a little trying since the dog ran off earlier in the week. But it's nice because Chris and I basically have the house to ourselves. We've got a little more freedom - a few more open doors and a little more living room time. We don't have to worry so much about noise levels. ;-) The house to's been a lot of fun. Ha! No wonder we've stuck around the house so much all weekend!

Well off to finish up my bit of internetting before I decide to get up and be a responsible person for the day.

Tomorrow's Monday and I lost an hour someplace around here last night...let me know if you see a spare one running around.

Here's to the Time Warp,

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