Friday, January 28, 2005

Finding some answers...

This blog came from a pen to some paper at Sam's Boat last night. Chris and I were there listening to live music as usual. I'd had a few thoughts floating thru my mind all day and they all kind of flew together and made sense all at once in the middle of a set. An epiphany! I pulled out my pen and paper and put my thoughts down - knowing the whole time that I'd have to put them here today. I've been looking for some logic - something that I can follow through all of the crazy emotions that run through my brain every day. And I think I found some! So...

While I wait for love to come there is one thing that I am sure of. Every man who comes into my life will immediately be measured against the standard set by Chris. It's quite a daunting idea, but true. I am afraid that it will be too high a hurdle for most, but I refuse to lower my standards. I will not settle. I have to have faith that someone will come along...or that he will. At this point, I am completely at a loss as to which of these is a more remote possibility. There are times that I believe that Chris will never ever change - and others that I am sure he can...and will. But I will wait. I will learn patience. Love will come.

The question is - how does Chris make me feel and why do I feel that way only about him? There are a lot of other men in my life - lots of people that I talk to and spend time with. But for some reason the time spent with Chris stands out above all of these. The answer, I've come to find, is that he challenges me. He makes me think. He makes me wonder. My favorite books and movies make me question reality. I get great joy out of mind-twisting mysteries. Apparently I like the same thing from men. I want to be challenged. With Chris, the truth is that I really have no idea how he feels or what he thinks about "us". It's a constant mind-tease.

I want someone to love me. But, please, don't make it so obvious. Make me think about it. Make me wonder. The obvious pick-up lines, the cheesy and predictable flirts, just don't do it to me. I like my romance with some high-brow riddles and twists. Intelligent, mind-blowing, thought provoking innuendos are what draw me.

My next question to myself is "What will happen once the mysteries have been solved? Will I be bored?" I can confidently say that the answer is no. Solace lies in the fact that at the end of the books and movies that I love so much - when the truth and the facts are all laid out on the table - I'm still not bored. I don't lose interest. I will watch the movie or read the book again and again. I continue to love them. So...when "he" comes, whoever "he" is, I know I will never get tired of what we will have. Knowing that he loves me - knowing the feelings hiding behind - won't dampen the excitement.

It feels wonderful to have so much faith in what I will have one day. I am sure that regardless of who I am sharing my life with it will be wonderful. I deserve that, and I am confident enough to admit that today - to myself and to anyone happening in to read this. I just have to have the patience to wait for it.

Have a good weekend everybody!

Thursday, January 27, 2005

There's just something about it...

That place...the's great.

It started out about the music and the dancing and has become so much more. I can't explain what it is, but going to the Cafe on Wednesdays is kind of like going home. It's familiar. It's fun. The people are like my family. More and more I'm knowing the majority of the people there. They notice when I'm gone. I love them. Each one brings a different nuance of happiness to my evening, and meeting a new person or two every week just amplifies this feeling. Every week is better than the next. Every week I love it more. I love to smile at Westside Johnny on the stage and have him smile back. I love dancing the same silly dances and making the same silly faces with my friends. I love the hoops. And I love the drums. It's really hard for me to imagine what my life would be like without the Cafe anymore. I hope I never have to worry about that.

In other news...
I'm cooking up a great big monster post on body image. It all started as something of a silly joke. Chris had an assignment for his English class that he was dreading. I told him I'd write it for him and he declined, but I decided I'd write it anyway. So I started doing a little research and gathering some information. Before long I remembered a story from my 5th grade year that proved a point exactly, but GEEZ what a long story. I'm still working on getting it out on paper. I may or may not attach the *actual* body image paper to the end of it - I may just let the story stand on its own. We'll see. Maybe I'll write both. After all...what else am I going to do but write? It's another one of my favorite things.

And finally...
What is my silly mind up to these days? Just waiting. I've decided that is my "plan" for now. Just wait. I'm not trying to change, influence, or actively seek an end. I just want to wait. I've taken a good long look at myself and come to appreciate what I am and what I offer. I see myself in the mirror and see someone that has the capacity to love without bounds. I see someone who deserves to be loved unconditionally as well. As much as I wish one of a few key people in my life would see this wonderful opportuinity and pounce on it, I am going to wait. If they don't see the great life that they could share with me then they don't deserve to have it. I will wait. I can wait. Someone will come along who is just the person for me. Someone will come along and will love me like I love him. And life won't be perfect, but it will be close.

Practicing patience,

Monday, January 24, 2005

Blogging in the dark...

Why? Because I can. No...not the actual dark - I'm actually in a well-lit common area but it IS dark outside. I'm currently at the local community college sharkin' off their wifi while I wait for a good friend to make it out of class. Why am I waiting, you ask? Well...lemme tell ya - my poor bud has had the roughest of days. One of those shitty-and-a-half days that no one can fix except for my buddy Jose. And to Jose she went. With no food on her stomach she went to Jose 5 times in a matter of minutes. She washed him down with a little bit of Taco Hell. This would all be well and good if she could drown her sorrows and go to bed, but unfortunately today was day one of one of the new semester's classes. It's always a bad idea to miss day one of any class - so we decided she needed to show up anyway. So here we are...
My good friend was in no condition to drive and so she called me. Upon picking her up I soon realized that she was in no condition to even find the classroom! So we stopped and picked her up a latte from Starbucks and I walked her to class. I am now sitting on a nice, and surprisingly comfy, couch at the college waiting for her to get out of class. I hesitate to leave, even though there are errands to run and chores at home, because who knows what she'll feel like after a couple of hours sitting in an uncomfortable college plastic chair. I will take her home, let her talk with Jose some more, and put her to bed early with a glass of water and a couple of asprin. She'll be fine. I know she will. Because she is strong.

Which leaves me here, on the comfy couch, at the college. I've blogged my little heart out today catching you all up on my current mental facilities. But I'm here...and I have internet access...which draws me to blogging.

What is it about this strange little candy machine in front of me that draws people to sing? I can't figure it out. I swear to the goddess, though, in the hour and a half that I have been sitting here every single person who has walked up to this vending machine has been either humming a tune or all-out belting a song. I have this ridiculous urge to sing along, to ask the person what they're singing to see if I know the words. It's a lot of fun. Strange people humming strange tunes...and my personal favorite - a skinny little preppy girl belting out a song like she was auditioning for American Idol. I don't think she knew I was here...

T-minus about 25 hours and counting until I see Chris again. It's been quite a challenge to go from seeing at least one other person every week to not seeing anyone at all. But aside from the physical, I am feeling better. Mentally and emotionally I'm feeling better. I think this will work out.

I'm going to go ahead and post this now...can't really think of too much to blog about. Maybe I'll go back thru some of my old and unfinished posts and dig something up there. But just in case I don't blog again tonight, goodnight.

It's dark outside...and I'm blogging. It's nice. Geez we've gotta get internet access at home!

How's It Going?

Okay. I've been pretty good over the past few posts to actually post some interesting information instead of just "this is what's going on". But I do feel the need for some of my friends who keep up with me by this blog to post a little bit about what's going on. So here last couple of weeks, in a nutshell (besides squished):

First - tossing the Plan. Keep Chris Casual plan has been tossed out the damn window. I started to realize that based upon the requirements of this plan I was doing things that I really didn't want to do. Simply to keep him a little further out of my mind I was letting people in that I had little-to-no romantic interest in. So I figure I'm setting myself up for a little heartache because he *is* on my mind an awful lot these days but I would rather be hurting because of being true to myself than to be semi-happy while deceiving myself day after day. Pain will happen. Even on the happiest life-track you could possibly live, you're bound to get hurt. So live life the way you want to - be true to your heart and your feelings, and take what comes of it.

Next - he's so close...
Just after tossing the Plan out the window Chris and I had the opportuinity to spend a lot of time together. His work schedule allowed that I could pick him up last Monday night. He had scheduled some time on Tuesday night with another girl who lives in TW but she no-showed. So he stayed with me...until Friday morning he stayed. That's FOUR nights. Four nights with him sleeping in my bed. Four nights of the best sleep I've had in years. The biggest disappointment of the week - missing the cafe. It was bittersweet though - as the reason why we missed it was that we were curled up in bed together napping. We had been out relatively late on Monday and Tuesday nights. He picked me up from work on Wednesday and we decided we'd nap before going out to the cafe. We laid in bed, got all snuggly and warm, and slept. We ended up sleeping straight thru the night. I woke up at about 12:30 and we took out our contacts and settled right back into sleep. I did miss the cafe and am definitely aching for it this week - but snuggled up with Chris was the next best place to be.

(damn blogger - pardon the curtness of the following since I already typed it once and it didn't SAVE!)

Following that - The Aftermath...
FOUR nights...he was in my bed for four whole nights. I took him home on Friday early in the m0rning. It was the highlight of my year (yes, I realize it's only January but it sounded good...) It was wondeful. Throughout the day on Friday I started realizing how difficult going home to an empty bed was going to be. I dreaded the house and going to sleep. I truly didn't think I could take it. It hurt just thinking about it. So I decided that the only option would be not to go to sleep on Friday night...I'd have to pass out. After copious amounts of drinking at 2 different bars and finishing it off with a VERY healthy glass of bourbon at home, I accomplished my goal. Thank Goddess for Carmilla, the best roommate a lonely girl (or any girl) could ever ask for. She laid in bed with me while I finished off my bourbon so the bed would be a little fuller. She even sat there while I drunk-dialed Chris to slurringly tell him how much I missed him next to me. She stayed with me until I passed out, according to plan. The next night she slept with me too. Last night...I was in her bed. So I've gone a full seven days and not had to sleep alone (thanks, Carmilla). I've just got to get thru tonight and tomorrow I will be picking Chris up again.

And then there is - The Confusion (part 1)...
Dumb girls. Silly, stupid girls. Lucky for me, but a confusion nontheless. Chris is one of the greatest people that was ever put onto this lousy planet. And these girls - like the one that ditched him on Tuesday night - just don't get it. I would - at any time and HAVE dropped everything, spent money I didn't have, and gone without sleep - to spend just a little more time with him. And these other girls that he meets from time to time just don't show him the attention he deserves. They dont' show up at all or are late. They're gripey or mean. I don't get it. Sometimes I just want to shake them - to tell them that they're insane. Of course, I don't...because it does mean more time that he spends with me. While that kind of selfishness is not good - it sure FEELS good. I'd love nothing more than to have him all to myself...but that's up to him to give. I just wait...

And finally - The Confusion (part 2)...
Here is my final thought for this Monday morning and it's regarding that evil green-eyed monster. That's right. Jealousy. I am simply not a jealous individual, however I have, as of late, begin to feel something that is similar to it. The strange thing about it though, is that I think I'm feeling it backwards. What do you think, faithful blogreaders? I dont' want to keep Chris from anything he wants in this world. I want him to have everything he could ever want or need. But it does hurt when I think of him with other people. I don't think it hurts like a regular jealousy would hurt, though. I'm simply afraid. I'm afraid that another girl is going to come along and play him just the right way to take him away. I'm afraid that I'm just not good enough for him to love and when another girl comes along that is I'll lose him. My rational mind tells me that I will never lose him as a friend, but there's just that fear. Because I think at the root of everything that's what jealousy is - fear. And I don't like to be afraid. But I am. And it's hard.
The most confusing part - I really get the feeling that if he did decide to commit, if we were in a relationship - all of that jealousy/fear would go away. I trust Chris - more than I trust anyone. And if I knew I had him, I'd know. Nothing he could do, no flirting, no talking, no time with anyone else would worry me. Because I trust him. And that's all. So how is it right that without being in a relationship I'm scared as hell, but absolutely sure that if we were I wouldn't be. Geez...I never cease to amaze myself.

Here's to catching up...hope all is well with you,

and a final p.s. - holy shit, see A Home At The End Of The World with Colin Farrell...I haven't seen anything hotter in a long time than him making out and dancing with Dallas Roberts. It was one of the sexiest things I've ever seen in this life.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Inadequate Language

I believe that the English language is painfully inadequate when it comes to certain words. Just like the Inuit have a number of words to describe snow, which plays an integral part of their life, we should also differentiate some of the broader terms in our vocabulary.

The first word I'd like to see defined more specifically is confidence. Often when you ask a man or woman what they are looking for in an individual they answer "confidence". My question, however, is what kind of confidence. Confidence is carried in so many different ways. There is physical confidence, mental confidence, emotional confidence, and also over-exaggerated confidence. I think my main reason for wanting clarification on this issue is my own askew psyche.
I would consider myself to be a very confident person. I believe myself to be a great person who would be an asset to anyone's friendship circle. I am sure of myself, my opinions, and my actions. I make a plan and I follow through. I am an intelligent individual and know it. I do not shy away from intellectual conversations on many subjects, as I am certain that I can hold my own. I am confident!
However, emotionally, confidence doesn't even make it onto the radar. When it comes to love I simply do not feel worthy. I don't take compliments well. Most days I can honestly convince myself that I will not find someone to love me because I am not good enough. Can I still consider myself to be confident?
I also consider the fact that many people that I believe to be cocky or self-involved are quite confident. So confident, in fact, that they believe themselves to be infallible. Do I really want to box myself in with this type of person - comparing ourselves under the umbrella of "confidence"?

The second word is pretty much a gimmie, but still deserves to be discussed here I think, and that word is love. Love is so completely overused in our language - it can be used to describe so many things. I can love my new purse. I can love my cat. I can love my friends or family. And I can love...that real love. Why do we as a society use an identical word to describe our feelings about the person we want to wake up next to everyday for the rest of eternity and our Aunt Flo? Shouldn't there be a little differentiation here? For the sake of confusion avoidance shouldn't we make some sort of a change? "Love", in my opinion, needs to be updated to at least 6 other words. How many times has someone told you that they loved you and you had to stop and consider or ask for clarification about exactly what kind of love they're feeling? Not only this, but the word has become jumbled up in our own hearts as well. Not only do we have to question the meaning when another person says it, but when we consider that we love another person, individuals have to stop and consider exactly how. I know that a friendship love and a romantic love tend to get ridiculously jumbled up in my head and it takes some deep and devoted searching to find out exactly how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm teetering just between. And sometimes I can't figure it out at all.

I am a regimented and logical person. I simply need more from our language. Anyone else for a rewrite of old Webster's book?

Here's to knowing exactly what you mean,


Monday, January 17, 2005


I’ve got lots of friends. I care dearly about a number of the people around me everyday and I know that they care about me. In thinking about a few of them today and our relationships I came to realize something about me. I have got a lot of friends, but no friendship is really the same. I have something that I need from each individual and feel like I give something back to them. But in each instance, the gift is not the same. So now I am going to try and outline some of my friendships.

Sister – sister is my worry friend. We’re both completely farked-up goobers. I spend my day worrying about her and riding her ass over all of the things she needs to do to take better care of herself. She does the same for me. Nine times out of ten, we’re just pots calling the kettles black – but it’s always good to have someone remind you. I worry about her. She worries about me. Both of us believe wholeheartedly that the other deserves so much more while not believing that we deserve the same ourselves. One day we will listen to one another, catch on, and become the amazing goddesses each of us wants the other to be. This will probably be the day that pigs fly, too, so check your weather report…

Now to Carmilla – Carmilla, in addition to being my roommate, is my support friend. It’s great having a friend like this under the same roof. She’s there to listen to my endless ranting and I’m there to listen to hers. We support one another unconditionally. We pump up one another’s egos and provide shoulders for crying. She is my main source of strength and confidence most days. I only hope I do half as well for her as she does for me.

Robyn – Robyn is my best friend. She’s my conscience friend. Robyn and I don’t get to talk nearly as much as we should. We catch up every couple of months or so. She lives so far away and I miss her all the time. The thing about Robyn is that she and I have been friends for so long I know what she would say. I know what she would tell me to do. I know what she would think about nearly any situation. So even though she’s not here physically to coax and care me through life’s windy roads I can hear her. Hers is the voice of reason that pops into the back of my head. She’s the one I try to emulate when I need to make a wise decision.

Lauren – Lauren is my wise old friend. She’s my mother’s age. I listen to the things that she tells me and take them to heart. I know that she knows what she’s talking about and she’s everything that I want to be at her age. I value her opinion more than probably anyone elses. She accepts no excuses and will tell me when I’m a jackass. And I love her for it.

And then there’s Chris. Chris is my special friend. And no, not special in any of those high school, over-italicized, exaggerated quotes fingers kind of ways. Okay…well not ONLY in those ways…hahahaha! When this blog idea was first forming I took a moment to really focus and think about each of my friends. My heart warmed and I "felt" my friendship with the person. An adjective came to mind. A purpose came to mind. Well, when it was Chris’s turn and I focused my mind on him an odd thing happened. Words didn’t come to mine – not "support" or "worry" or "conscience". I didn’t feel anything that could be described using the keys on this clicky, old-school Dell keyboard. I could very nearly feel my heart swell. I felt it creeping up my throat. It would have taken my chest over all together it hadn’t had to accommodate for all of the butterflies flapping around in my stomach. I tried to think of what I take from the friendship I have with Chris, what I need from him – like I need things from my other friends. The answer is nothing. The only thing that I really need from Chris is that feeling right there. I realize that I get that feeling when I’m around him, when I talk to him, or think about him. Focusing so fully on it was nearly more than I could take! Chris is a special friend because I just want him around. I don’t have to lay all my problems out on him. I don’t feel like I need to let him lay everything out on me. We can just BE. Just us. We can talk or dance or listen to music and all is right with the world. Maybe he’s my feel-good friend. But, no, he’s a lot more than that.

Happy Monday, everybody. Here's to friendships - all of them.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Girls In My Closet

There are an awful lot of girls in my closet.

There's Goth Girl, and Punk Girl, and Work Girl, and Sophisticated Girl. There's Classy Girl and Comfy Girl. They hang out and wait to be plucked - depending on my mood for the day.

They're just outward and tangible reflection of all the gals fighting for space inside of me.

Some mornings I wake up feeling one of my girls and go right for that uniform. Some days I wake up with no idea and spend a while trying on things until one feels right. Some days I need to work myself into a role and force myself into something that will take me there. I'm not a materialistic person requiring racks of designer clothes to fit every mood - they're mostly just clothes that I've acquired over the years. I'm still wearing tops that I bought in middle school!

Lately I've had a harder and harder time fitting myself into any of my outfits. I'm quite unsure of myself. My emotions have begun to run amok and most days I'd just rather curl up in bed and stay all day (hard to imagine considering my social calendar as of late, but true). But I force myself up, force myself to choose an appropriate "me" for the day, and move.

What a wondeful surprise this morning when I woke up and knew exactly who I was today. I walked confidently into my closet and chose just the right outfit. Even more than that, I decided exactly what I am going to change into tonight for the Cafe as well. Apparently my self-image is becoming more secure. I'm more sure of who I am today.

My rituals since the new year have had a lot to do with finding appropriate guidance and wisdom in my life so maybe they are starting to improve things. I hope this positive trend continues. I am definitely in need of some more clarity in a few different areas!

Just like the Oracle said...
Know thyself,

Monday, January 10, 2005

Well, if you're gonna do it... might as well do it BIG.

Today concludes the absolutely most insane extended party weekend of my life. I can't even believe how much craziness went on with my weekend. Between Wednesday and Saturday I got a combined total of around 11 hours of sleep. I made up for this by sleeping around 13 on Sunday morning and afternoon.

So here's how it happened. Friday I got off work, grabbed an hour of sleep, got up and went out to Fox and Hound - a local "pub" - for drinks with my singles group. I met a new "friend" there that night - Albert. He's a very nice guy - a lot older than I am. I found his general "looking for people in the Woodlands" ad on Craigslist and decided to steer him to our singles message board. My original plan was to have my drinks and bow out early to go home and start catching up on sleep. Instead I got talked into riding down to Katy (looooong drive) to see a band play. On the way home we stopped at a little-known but quite posh sushi bar. There was a dj spinning and only a few people in the club. I hope we go back to this place soon. I love live bands, but I have definitely been missing the beat lately. Probably got home about 4:30am for a few hours of sleep...

Saturday - up early (grrr) - at 8:30 am to drive into Houston for my MINI club meeting. Left there, went home, showered and dressed, then back down south for a friend's Mary Kay party. Now, I am not a girly-girl. I don't wear makeup. But I actually found something quite wonderful and useful at the party. Mary Kay has a soothing eye gel that is supposed to help tired eyes and reduce puffiness. I tried a sample and my eyes looked and felt a little less like I'd had only 11 hours of sleep - so I bought some. I was also quite impressed with some of their other non-makeupy stuff so I decided to have a party of my own. Sunday the 16th - if anyone's interested!! Anywhoooo...left the Mary Kay party and went to a ritual with a Pagan Women's group that I am a member of. Left the ritual/party at about 9 Saturday night (still smelling like campfire, thank you) and decided to head out to Martini's and More - a fancy little hole-in-the-wall place in the Woodlands which is ALWAYS a ton of fun. Listened to the live band (called Clockwork) and danced my little ass off for the 4th night in a row. When the band stopped playing and the lights turned on I told a sad Albert that I was simply too exhausted and was going home to go to bed. There will be more time for Albert - he's officially a message boarder and he's also taking me to the Ani DiFranco I'll worry about him later.

I slept past 3pm on Sunday afternoon and just took it easy for the rest of the day. I did clean up the disaster area a.k.a. my bedroom and changed my sheets. I'd had about 15 outfit changes over the course of my 4 day spree and clothes had just stayed where they fell for the entire time. Sheets were still sandy from Chris's dirty feet on Wednesday night (sigh...I LOVE dirty boys).

So now I'm ready to start this week. I'm hoping for a little less insanity, but damn - it sure was a lot of fun!


Friday, January 07, 2005


Okay. What a sucker I am. What a sleepy sucker I am...For live music and for Chris.

Last night (Thursday) after work I was supposed to take Chris back home (about an hour drive) and then go home and get some sleep. My usual Wednesday night ritual left me with about 3 hours that night. Some friends were getting together at a local bar and asked me to stop by. I figured we could stop on our way out of town, have a drink or two, and then head on down the road. We stopped in, we had our drinks, and then...I saw the guy tuning his acoustic guitar on the little stage in the corner. What's this? Live music? Memory fog gives way to the fact that this bar has live music every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. In fact, faithful blog readers, if you will recall the band Soma that I first began cutting my "late night/early morning" teeth on back in my very early blogging days - I first saw them at this very bar on a Thursday night.

The band was only two guys - one with an acoustic and the other an electric bass (The bass player switched from the bass to an acoustic as well during the 3rd set). They are Pete and Sam and they are GREAT. I definitely recommend that you check out their website and listen to the Pete and Sam demo - little snippits of many of the songs that they played last night. Their setlist was amazing - old and new, fast and slow. Just awesome! They weren't afraid to play around and have a little fun - even with the lyrics. I'm a lyric fanatic so listening to the words I caught some apropos little lyric changes and Sam even worked my very own name into a song. I loved it. As many little rockers that I dated in high school and as many live bands as I've gotten to know and seen over the years no one has ever mentioned my name in a mic. I girled out - giggled and blushed. Sam is the bass player, and I am definitely a sucker for a guy with a bass - but after that I was definitely digging him! It was the highlight of the night!

The band played on and the hours grew long...and it became pretty clear that if Chris and I were going to make it down south in time for his curfew we were going to have to cut bait. I was really sleepy as it was and my logical mind was telling me that I needed to do the right thing, get home, and get some sleep. Then Chris said what my whimsical mind was pushing all along...why don't we just stay to hear the band finish up and get up early the next morning and I can take him home before work in the morning? My logical mind and my tired eyes are screaming about how little time that leaves for sleep between the bar closing at 2 and having to be on the road by 5:30 to get me back to work on time. But in the love for live music and Chris's puppy dog eyes won out and we stayed.

I'm glad that we did - the band was just great. But, boy, am I paying for it today! I figure at max I've gotten 6 hours of sleep in the last 2 days. It was all I could do to stay on the road for that hour and a half drive back up north to work. I ran onto the shoulder a couple of times when my eyelids were simply too heavy to raise - but I made it. Now I'm just counting the minutes to 5 when I get to go home and take a nap before getting up to go out again... sigh...

As much as I hate to admit it, I really think I was sleepy enough last night that my logical mind would have taken over and put myself to bed if left to my own devices. But Chris's influence definitely put me over the edge of reason. I still wonder from time to time if there isn't a tiny seed of inappropriate emotion stashed away in me for him. Sometimes I get scared. My "Keeping Chris Casual" plan seems to run so smoothly - but are there hidden mechanical issues that will knock it off the track without warning one day? Is there a tragic wreck in my future? Only time will tell, I suppose. I'm not going to let the chance of a hurt in the future ruin my good time today. What will be, will be.

Today - here's to getting some farking SLEEP!

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Figuring Schit Out

So I know this is going to sound completely cheesy and untrue, but based upon my feelings of this morning it's looking like the answer to the problems swirling around in the old noggin' these days. I must have LIVE MUSIC. I must DANCE. I need it to survive.

See last week Chris and I got busy visiting friends and just a little itchy for something new so we skipped out on the Cafe. We ended up spending the evening with some good friends who may or may not be taking a LOA soon - so we definitely needed a little quality time with them. Then we just headed out to a local pub for a couple of drinks and some people watching. It was a nice time, but I did miss the Cafe.

So that on top of a busy week - with New Years and all - ended up leaving me with my longest stretch in a long time not seeing any sort of live music. Believe it or not, I think THIS has what has caused my general shitty mood and bad attitude over the last week. It continued to spiral down and ended up in the horrible mental funk of the last few days (and couple of blogs). I went to the Cafe last night and expected a mediocre time to match my mediocre mood - and was SO pleasantly surprised! As soon as Pot Roast started playing, the funk started to lift. My mood improved. I started to dance. Before long, I was headlong into a usual fun night at the Cafe - meeting new people, dancing with friends, and having a great time. I felt like myself again.

I know that this sounds weird and that the root of my problem seemed to be of some sort of a sexual nature, but what do you expect? My sex life is a pretty big chunk of the life pie these any problem in general is bound to start having an effect on it. Perhaps that is just the area that it was easiest to recognize a change in. As far as the gender preference issue - geez, some of those pretty boys out at the Cafe sure had a way of swinging me back in the other direction last night. Maybe I just needed something new to look at...

Call me crazy, or whatever else you want, but I honestly think that simply the lack of a little live music and dancing influence over the last week had a whole heckuva lot to do with my mood. So today I announce yet another track in Darbi's Guide to Life. In addition to Chapter One, lovingly called the "Keeping Chris Casual" plan I would like to introduce Chapter Two - "Live Music for Survival". I think I smell another book idea...

Here's to living, loving, live music, and dancing! Happy Thursday everybody!


Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Another Day Another...Confusion

Well, I'm going to try to come up with a slightly less cryptic blog than yesterday's. However, I am in only a slightly less cryptic mood.
Thanks to some chatting and couch time with some of my lovely friends I have decided to just go with the flow on this new strange attitude of mine, and continue to do what makes me happy - whether that is what's made me happy in the past or not.

In other, more wonderful news, Chris was kind enough to send me a link to a concert that I can't believe I didn't know about before. ANI DIFRANCO is coming to Houston!!!! I am absolutely ecstatic! I have loved her and her music for nearly 10 years. She's a folky, tree-huggin', liberal, feminist, indie rock girl who plays a mean guitar. She's refused to sell out to any major record label and has maintained success on her very own Righteous Babe label. And to top it all off...she's damn cute.

Which brings me to my next bit of confusion. I started checking out Ani on the internet and thinking about what a cute gal she is. And I started thinking about some other gals I know. Which lead to more weird thinking. Now I know that I've mentioned here on my blog before and my good friends all know that I am not exactly picky in the gender department when it comes to attraction. I am bisexual. I'm a damn picky bisexual - but bi nonetheless. Well sitting and thinking about women in general today I was feeling a little bit more like my "old self". So I start wondering...maybe my appetite for love and affection hasn't waned completely - maybe I've just had my fill of men for the time being. Maybe I'm taking my biggest swing to the alternative side of the sexual preference road I've ever taken and that's what the big deal is. Who knows...I can't figure it out. I need to spend some quality time with my tarot cards and just make peace with whatever this is. I'll figure it out. Life is good.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Something's changing

Something is different. I can't really put my finger on it. But something feels different inside.

After I left my husband I hit the ground running. I was hungry for everything that I had been missing over the last five years. I grappled for everything that my Arian heart ached for - passion, pleasure, and lust. And I got it. I loved it. I had everything that I wanted and enjoyed it.

But for the first time, last night, I didn't want it anymore. It was there, sitting right in front of me. And my heart said no.

I don't know why. I don't know if it was the situation or if it was my mood, but I didn't want it anymore. I woke up this morning and didn't regret it.

What is changing in me? Have I drank my fill? Will things be different now? Is this a positive change or is something wrong?

Things are strange and I can't quite wrap my mind around this yet.

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