Tuesday, July 26, 2005

So Much For "Sisters"

You hurt me sooooo bad.

You hurt me professionally and worse, you hurt me personally. I thought we were closer than this. I thought we were better friends. I might care a little more that I think that some of the decisions you are making right now are REALLY FUCKING DUMB except it seems that I'm learning now that our friendship wasn't nearly as open and honest as I thought it was. So why should I care what kinds of decisions you're making now when our friendship was really not much to you at all?

You've reminded me why I used to have such a hard time letting other women into my life. Sister came along and showed me that other women can be wonderful and genuine friends. My guard was down when you came on the scene. I let you in too soon and too easily, it seems.

I'm sad, angry, and upset. At you. AT YOU. I don't get this way easily, but feeling betrayed works it out of me pretty quick.

All I ever was to you was a friend. Friendship was all I ever wanted in return.


Sunday, July 24, 2005

Making Myself

I'm forcing myself to blog today. It's been a good while since you all got a fresh post out of me. Why? No idea really. I guess I am just boring these days! I think that over the past week I've really been able to take a look at my life and realize that it is nothing remarkable. The sisters ... THOSE gals have got the real drama going on. Me? I've got the tame life.

Well...let me rephrase that. I have the GOOD life. Work is going good, my life is full with wonderful friends, and I am ... well ... ummm ... yeah ... I don't know why I hesitate to type this. I suppose putting it on the internet for the entire world to read makes it very, very real. It's already very, very real to me, but is the world wide web ready for it? I've never held a thing back on here before so I suppose this will be no different. I am in love.

I don't really know how it happened ... or why. I'm not even entirely sure I was ready for it. But I am. I'm here. I fell. It's even more wonderful than I remembered.

We had a little "play money" over this weekend and put it to good use. A Mexican food dinner with margaritas on Friday night and a club night last night. It was awesome and something that we very much needed and deserved. Bar none, hands down, my favorite part of the night was (believe it or not) in the Karaoke room. A girl stood up to sing and I heard the first bars of Etta James's "At Last". I was nervous. I HATE hearing this song butchered in karaoke bars. It's a sin. I was sitting, anticipating the worst, and got the best. Her voice was beautiful, and I knew from the first line that she was going to give this song the justice it deserves. But then...the best part. Chris looks at me and asks if I want to dance. "In here?" I thought that maybe he didn't like the song and wanted to go back to one of the other rooms to dance. But he replied "Yes." I got out of my chair and we found an open spot. We danced. We were the only couple in the room dancing, but we didn't care. I lost myself in him and the rest of the room melted away. It was perfect, and lovely, and probably the best moment I have had in years.

I'm only sorry we lost track of time dancing in the other room ... getting up to do "I Got You, Babe" up on the karaoke stage would have been a blast! Hahahaha!

Gotta run now ... can't spend the WHOLE day in front of the computer!

Love, dancing, and so many other wonderful things,

Monday, July 18, 2005


So this post is going to be something of a rant and rave about cowards. I'm not talking simply about people who are afraid ... lots of people are afraid of things. I'm completely terrified of sharks, myself. This week sucks as all of the ads for Shark Week are running on the net. I opened up The Smoking Gun today and an ad played at the top that showed these HUGE frickin' scary sharks jumping thru the air. I almost shit myself. I was so terrified I couldn't get my mouse to scroll down on the screen. And every time I opened my eyes it was still there. It was terrible.
But back to my original post ... cowards. The real ones. The people who do stupid, chickenshit things that hurt other people. The people who jump on to read and criticize other peoples lives, but aren't brave enough to open themselves up the same way.

First thing. I found out today about a really horrible injustice. There is a woman out there who is abusing the identity of the one person who should be the MOST important person of her entire life. She's abusing her power over this person for her own selfish gain. She spends her days stirring shit in the lives of other people instead of cleaning up the shit in her own life ... cleaning it up so that she's no longer screwing up the life of this beautiful, innocent girl. I want so badly to call her on her stupid bullshit. I want so badly to do something to hurt her. But I can't do that. So I did the small thing that I could, and hope that karma will come back and bite the bitch's ass.

Secondly...I'm going to bitch a little bit about this blogging phenomenon. When I first started reading blogs I felt almost ashamed to read them...knowing that these people were opening them up for me completely and I was not doing the same. So I started blogging as soon as I could get going. I went to all of the blogs that I read regularly and posted comments including my own blog address. Tit for tat. Especially in a case where I might comment negatively on their blog, to one of their friends, or to a group of people that they are involved with. If I am going to talk shit about their thoughts, I am at least going to at least show them that I am not too cowardly to open up my own. I think that if you can dish it out, fucking take it.

My last bitch for the evening is bullshitters. If you're gonna bullshit at least be good at it. At least make it BELIEVEABLE!! There's something to be said when a true, good bullshitter wastes some of my time. But those people who start pulling the craziest shit out of their ass then ....well that's just dumb. Don't waste my time. When you're out on a limb, trying to push a button or two, but have NOTHING to go on ... don't just start making shit up. I'm more intelligent than that. Come the fuck on.

And with that...three bitches...my blog is done. These aren't things that I'm actually and actively pissed about, just things that are bugging the back of my mind. Little itches like the mosquito bites on my leg. I'll scratch them or blog them, and then forget. It's movie time with my darlin'!

Have a LOVELY evening, everybody. And to all of those cowards out there - fuck right the fuck off, wouldja?


Friday, July 15, 2005

It's a Lazy Day

It's dark out because of the clouds, there's a soft patter of raindrops on my window, it's cool, and it's wonderful. Except for the fact that it's 7 in the morning and I am at work instead of curled up under a blanket with my sweetie. :-D

The weather is supposed to stay like this, though, and it is Friday. In 7 hours and 40 minutes I can head back home. We worked hard on Wednesday, played very hard last night, and so I hope we can just rest tonight. I hope this weather holds, and my lovely nekkid tater is up for some snuggling when I get home.

We've got the whole rest of the weekend to be productive and clean up after last night, right?

Takin' it easy and hopin' the day flies,

Wednesday, July 13, 2005


I am lucky in my life right now to have a very good, solid group of female friends. I think this is rare for most women, as we tend to be vindictive and kniving little bitches. I hope that my friendship with my sisters will stay as strong as it is now for years to come. What is funny is that I think in certain areas each of us are both the most mature and the most immature of the group. We all have our strengths and our faults. It's wonderful that where one or more of us are strong, we are able to help the others and lift them up. Supporting one another, we manage to get through the day-to-day mess and have fun with life. So here it is - my personal run down of the Sisters and what makes us tick.

Sister - the original, Sister M, Sister Stormy. Sister is definitely the most mature out of all of us in that she is the *actual* oldest and has the oldest child. She has lived through the most and has a lot of life wisdom to share. Her downfall is the fact that because of her circumstance, she is still a little caught up in her youth. Living back at home with her parents, under their roof and rule, she is the one of us with the most restrictions on what she can and can't do.

Then there's Sister N, or Sister99 as I've taken to calling her. This sister is the most financially mature of all of us, as she happens to have her monetary shit together more than any of us. She pays a mortgage, while I rent and Sister Stormy is shackin' with the 'rents. She is, however, the most immature of us physically. This isn't a bad thing, however. Sister99 has managed to keep her body looking young and fit. She is a dirty whore for this. :-D (just kidding, sister!!) What I wouldn't give for better genes....

Then there is me. This is the toughest one I think to figure out. I think that I am actually the most responsible of the three in terms of my relationship. Who would have ever figured that *I* would be the one with the most normal and solid relationship? What Chris and I have is wonderful, I admit. But to look at us and realize that we are in the most "mature" of relationships among the sisters ... that's just weird! :-D And immature ... I don't know ... yall might have to help me with this one. I suppose I'll take the easy answer and say that I am the youngest of the sisters. I've got the least number of years behind me. I think that's my biggest handicap - I'm naive from time to time.

So that is it. That is the Sisters. We are having a dinner party tomorrow night. Take-out Chinese and booze is the menu. We will all have our siginifant others. It will be an interesting evening to say the least! But I can't wait. Sister time!! Woo hoo!

If only my most important Sister of all were going to be here, too. I love you and miss you, Robyn!

Love to all my sisters!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Lazy Blogging Alert

So...all is right with the world. I'm happy and having fun. I do have to go back to work tomorrow, which sucks, but hey - I gotta pay the bills somehow. *shrug* I'm a little concerned about this happy state though. Given my recent panic attacks and schtuff I am treating it like a house of cards ... not wanting to look too hard at it or breathe too heavy in that direction for fear it will all come crumbling. So...I have stolen this from Sister99 which she stole from Mel. Yay for these things - because they keep my blog going on days when introspection is just a little much for me.

So, here are 10 questions to make you squirm. If you have the cajones...answer them; I have.Enjoy!

1. At what age and under what circumstances did you lose your virginity? Was it disappointing, or all you'd thought it would be?
I was 14 and holy shit it was disappointing. It stayed that way for a loooong time. That's all I have to say about that.

2. What guilty pleasure do you indulge in that no one else knows about?
Gay porn. You might think I'm joking ... but I'm not. :-p

3. Do you have a birthmark, and if so, where is it and what does it look like?
I have two dime-sized ones. One on my boob that's barely visible anymore and one on a butt cheek.

4. What's the saddest thing you've ever seen?
When I was around 10 I saw a turtle get run over. It's shell was cracked into about a million pieces but it wasn't dead. The turtle kept trying to crawl away with it's remaining front legs and couldn't move. I had nightmares for weeks.

5. What is the WORST book you've ever read?
Beloved - maybe it was just my maturity level or attitude at the time - but I hated it.

6. What is the most delicious food you've ever tasted?
I still remember my very first chocolate truffle. If I could go back in time and taste it again for the first time, I would.

7. Have you ever had or BEEN a secret admirer? Details, please.
Not that I recall ... but I wouldn't put it past me! :-D

8. Describe yourself in 10 words or less.
I kick ass. And I'm humble! Hahaha!

9. If you could spend an hour with anyone, anywhere, doing anything, who would it be, where and what would you do? Why?
I would spend an hour drinking whiskey with my late grandfather. He died when I was young, and I wish we could have done more together. I know he loves whiskey as much as I do, and we're both a little rough around the edges. Why sugar-coat anything? We'd spend time doing something we enjoy and do well!

10. What is one thing you are ashamed to admit you know nothing about?
Physics, probably. I mean I know the general, common sense stuff, but never took any in high school. Shoulda.

Answer one, or some, or all of the questions. Of course you also have the option of answering none. But I hope you won't take that option. After all, isn't it kind of fun to just BARE your soul once in a while?

I can't wait to see if anyone else picks this up! I thought it was fun - and some good thought-provoking questions.

Love and love and love to everybody!

Friday, July 08, 2005

The 5, 6, 7, 8's

You know the Vonage commercial. EVERYone knows the Vonage commercial. So...sing along!

WOO hooo, WOO hoo hoo...WOO hooo, WOO hoo hoo!!!!!!!

In the midst of all the shit... I get a call from my lawyer. The decree should be written up today. Once I sign off on it and if the ex signs off on it, I should be able to be DIVORCED sooooon! Possibly before the end of the month!! Even if he doesn't sign off on it right away it should be SOOOOOOON.

WOO hooo, WOO hoo hoo...WOO hooo, WOO hoo hoo!!!!!!!

I'm doin' my "Yay for Divorce" happy dance!

*wiggle, wiggle...shake, shake*

Plus, the rain brought some cooler weather so I will be out on my bicycle enjoying it tonight!


It's FRIDAY...I get off work in less than 3 hours, and it is a GREAT day!

...assuming we don't blow ourselves up...

...fucking kangaroos...

BIG smile on my face,
Darbi (SOON to be HAMILTON!!)

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Not. Helping.

Okay...so I'm panicking over little stuff that is insignificant. However, I generally can find a reasonable thought in my brain someplace to keep control. There is no real threat to me or anyone that I know or love.

Until now.

London is blowing up. Nothing to the extent of the 9/11 blast here in the U.S. but still frightening. It seems to be directed towards Blair's participation in the G8 summit. The leader of our nation is there as well. Is it just a matter of time before the explosions begin here? Where will they target? Who? And when?

I dreamed that it rained last night and woke up this morning and it had. I didn't get a chance to go outside and be in it. I wish I had.

Trying to keep it together,

Wednesday, July 06, 2005


I'm sitting in my big comfy chair next to the sliding door. The door is open and I can SMELL the rain. It smells wet and steamy, sweet, and wonderful. There's thunder. But the drops are suspended...just hanging there above the earth, not falling. I think my own obstinate attitude has rubbed off on the rain.

It hasn't rained here since the middle of March. We NEED some water. Not just for the ground, but for life in general. Rain cleanses both the earth and the people in it. It clears out the muck. It rejuvinates life...all kinds of life.

I need a restart. I need to refresh myself. For all of my techie friends, I need to reboot!

If it rains I am going outside to stand in it for a while. Until I feel better.

I have to get up to be at work at 7 tomorrow morning - starting a new schedule. But the rain is more important. I hope it comes soon!!


Monday, July 04, 2005

The Panic Button

Yep ... somebody hit it.

From time to time I am prone to panic attacks. Nothing really starts the trend, they just kind of show up one day. But once they start...they don't stop. I can panic over just about anything. What's for dinner? Do I have clothes to wear to work tomorrow? Money? Anything is fair game to put me into a tizzy.

I just got home from the movies. Me, Dude, Misty, and R went out to watch War of the Worlds. A movie like that will make you think. What would you do if something like that happened? Would you run? Stay in one place and hide? Are you paranoid? Do you stockpile food and water? Do you prepare at all for an emergency or do you not worry until something actually happens?

During my Panic phases I tend to think about these things a lot. I start to keep more water with me than I normally would. I tend to stockpile away food and such. I prepare for a global catastrophe.

But there's something new this time.

I'm not just preparing myself for a global tragedy. I'm not only preparing myself for a tangible catastrophic event. I'm also preparing for a mental disaster. Unfortunately, no amount of preparation can alleviate the fear of this kind of a Waterloo. This is where the panic seeps in.

I have a great imagination. My mind is an amazing tool of visualization. A lot of times this comes in handy. Sometimes, like now, it's crippling. I run through tragedies and heaertaches in my head so thouroughly that I can feel them. It's like I'm living them before they happen. I'm hurting before the blow.

Before the movie started, I was chin-deep in one of these horrible attacks. I prayed silently for the movie to start - for something besides this deep pain to fill my mind. Horrible events played through my head. Of course, the movie started and my mind focused on preparing for a different kind of tragedy - the Hollywood extra-terrestrial tragedy. While I was nearly as panicked walking out of the movie theater, it wasn't nearly as bad as the panic before.

The movie is over. We're back at home and I am attempting to stave off yet another attack. I know that this situation is outside of my sphere of influence. I know that there is nothing that I can do to stop something if it is going to happen. But somehow I am unable to stop the "what if" movie from playing through my head - over and over and over again.

I need some Xanex. Or some whiskey. There simply is not enough distraction in this world.

Or maybe I just need to focus. I need to take control of the situation. I control me. After years of allowing myself to be controlled I forget this sometimes. I'm not very good at it yet, but I am getting better. I control myself and my emotions with regards to others all the time. But I am my own strongest adversary. I am simply not adept at battling myself. But I will try. I have to try. Because sometimes there's just not enough whiskey or Xanex.

It's time for me to do this.

I will do this.

I have to.


God and Goddess, grant me the wisdom to find my own strength,


Sunday, July 03, 2005

Some Truths

Okay...so here are some truths for you...

1. I am writing this blog bot hdrunk and blind. I drank more than a bottle of wine on my own his evening and i haven't had anything to drink in a long time. So my tolerance is kind of shot. Sue me. I tried to go to sleep but found it a challenge, so I decided to get up and blog. I've already removed my contacts and the room was dark, so I could not find my glasses. Sue me twice. i'll file for bankruptsy. Don't think I won't...*grin*...thank god i learned how to type by touchearly in life. We'll see how goo I really am tomorrow...especially on Chris's computer keyboard...I am also too lazy to start up the laptop.

2. Life is always complicated. Just when you think you have it all together in one area...things get fucked up in another. It is one of the great universal truths. Learn to live with it.

3. My hair is fucking short and cute as hell. I went today to get my hair cut. I knew I was cutting at least ten inches to donate to Locks of Love. The gals went a little overboard so it's a little shorter than I planned. But it is still really really fucking cute. I can still get it back in a ponytail. And I think tht chris will love it.

4. Sisters come first. Before anything else I will not hurt a sister. Which is why I am awake at nearly 2am blogging instead of doing anything else. Because right now the "anything else" option would hurt a sister's feelings. So even drunk, i will not do that.

5. In spending my weeknd exploring the relationships of others...Sister's and the other sister's...I have come to realize a lot of things in myown relationship that i treasure beyond belief. I can't wait for chris to come home so that i can thank him for all of those things.

6. my parents came to see me today ad i love them a lot. i just think that is important to admit from time to time...that i love my parents...because i do. they fucking rock.

and now in this time i have managed to finish off another glass of wine so i m good and fucking toasty. so now i will try and go to bed again.

i wish yoiu all out there sweet dreams, and whatever those words of wisdom are that i said earlier...that i swore i would remember but don't. i remember i said them but not what they were...maybe tomorrow.

good night.


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