Friday, March 18, 2005

Some Answers

Please keep your currency comments coming - I'm really having a great time learning so much about everyone. I've gotten a couple of comments here but more in person. As I continue to gather information on other's currencies I wanted to go ahead and share a revelation or two on my own issues that I've learned going through all of this.

I mentioned that I have a difficult time accepting emotional currency from others. The reality of this situation is that I'm just fine with friends but accepting from the opposite sex, mainly Chris, is what I have a difficult time with. You see, with my husband, for four and a half years every gesture of "love" was usually just a manipulation or a ploy. He's screwed something up really badly and was attempting to make up for it, or he was trying to manipulate me in some other way. I now associate acceptance of that emotional currency as something negative. What a shitty habit! I'm happy to say, however, that it is one that I am ready to break. Sure it would be nice and easy to settle in and live with this relationship handicap for the rest of my life, but I am stronger than that. I should respect myself more than that. And so I will change...

The biggest potential issue to this life altering decision is the fact that Chris and I get on so well because he doesn't really OFFER a lot of emotional currency. I am comfortable with him because I don't feel manipulated by any special actions or words from him. There is nothing *special* that he does or says to me that he wouldn't be just as likely to do or say to a stranger on the street. So on this new quest, how am I going to cope with knowing that I should be getting something from someone who has nothing to give. This could be the real test of our fledgling relationship and friendship. I don't know how to ask, and I'm afraid that even if I did he would say no. I'm afraid this is a big decision time - something like care or get off the pot! Hahaha!

Luckily I do see a couple of lights at the end of this clusterfucked tunnel that I am losing myself down these days. The first of these is that we're simply missing it. Perhaps with a little investigation I will see that there *is* something that I am getting from my relationship with Chris that I'm just not able to see yet. He could be dropping that emotional coinage right out through a hole in his pocket that he doesn't notice and I can't see it laying on the ground because I'm too busy watching his smile to see it. Maybe the answer is right there at my toes, I've just got to stop and look for it. The second choice is a long shot - but, hey, it's a Red Sox year - and that's that Chris will actually see what I'm looking for here and make an effort. This may be a light in a tunnel, but it's a light after a really long and hard climb. I'm not good at asking for things - especially from him. I don't like wanting something from him. I feel...needy...I suppose. I *am* his girlfriend though, and maybe that counts for something. Maybe that means I'm allowed to need something...I don't know.

What's important to me through all of this is maintaining a friendship with Chris. He was my friend before I went all nutty over him and I want to make sure he's my friend after. Maybe he'll tell me that he doesn't want me to need something from him and maybe I'll puss out and put off my betterment plans for another time. Or maybe not... Who knows? Not me.

Once again - thoughts?

Finding the strength to change....maybe (how's that for commitment, eh?)


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