Saturday, August 27, 2005

Hello again!

Okay ... so I'm back to blogging. No real reason why I abandoned it so suddenly ... just busy I suppose.

So what has been going on in the life of *MOI* for the past two weeks?

Well let's see ...

Being unemployed I got really used to having plenty of time to do things that I wanted to do - adding lots of extras to my day. The biggest of those was reading Stephen King's Wolves of the Calla - Book Five in the Dark Tower Series. Since getting my new job, I found that I was missing the time in my day to read like I wanted to. This took precedence over my internet time in the evening here lately, but I'm happy to report that I've FINISHED as of about an hour ago. So I'm attempting to catch up. Now it's time to gather up some pennies and try to get out and buy book SIX! Then I'll try my hardest to evenly distribute my time between reading and blogging in the evenings. Lord knows there's NO WAY I can get any blogging done from work.

Which brings me to my next "thing I've been up to". WORK! I love it. I was excited to have fallen into the HR field a few years ago. I was excited about it - it fit with who I wanted to be. But then the problems at the company started to leak into the job and I wasn't excited anymore. I stuck it out because I had a vague rememberance of the excitement that I used to have ... but it simply wasn't there anymore. Lucky for me this new job has awoken it again!! I remember now why I love HR in the first place and I'm passionate about it. I am loving it. I am once again focused on my career and know exactly what I want.

It's almost a year I've been knowing Chris. I can't believe it's been so long. So long, in fact, that it's almost time for Faire to start up here in our neck of the woods! I can't wait. What's even better is that Chris and I have gotten JOBS there. So we'll be pulling IN money instead of spending it - which is always a good thing. But we'll still get all of the good feelings that come from being there. I've definitely got to get a good Faire outfit or two together now though. I think I'll be working on that a lot in these next few weeks. So if I ignore you, blogreaders, from time to time - please forgive me. It's a necessary absence, I swear.

So...working a lot and reading a lot. And lovin' Chris. That's my life these days and life is good. My money problems will eventually disappear. Everything WILL be okay. I know it will. I have faith.

That's it for now. I promise it won't be two weeks before you hear from me again.


Saturday, August 13, 2005

This is Weird...

Okay. So after my post wondering if Sister99 was coming around and commenting on my blog I get *this* comment today:

No, I don't think I've ever been referred to as Sister 99. But I still care about you and hope everything turns out well for you. This isn't Nicole.

Nicole, or Sister99, as I called her in my blog to help shield her identity somewhat, was who I was referring to in my "Sisters" post. I truly thought that was her that left the comment on that post. I guess it wasn't.

So, the question remains. Who is this anonymous commenter? Show yourself. Give it up. Why be scared? You already know that you are not the person who pissed me off so bad. So who are you?


By the way, on a personal note, I started my new job yesterday. It was AWESOME! I am going to love it. This job was made for me. I'll write more later.


Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Blogging The Wall

For the first time in a very, very long time I am sitting down to watch The Wall. For one of the first times ever, I am sitting down to watch The Wall sober.

It's strange ...

And so I am going to attempt to blog it. I am sitting in my chair, laptop in lap, and am going to make an attempt to keep up with what's going through my mind while I watch. Hopefully Blogger won't fuck up. Just so you know, I am writing the thoughts as I think them. I'm double-spacing between thoughts. 10 seconds may have passed or 10 minutes. So if it seems that I get all cryptic and then get silly - it's just the change in my moods as I watch this movie. A lot of this won't make sense unless you've watched the movie as many times as I have and know the order of events - or DISorder of the events, as the case may be. Perhaps you should put in the video and read along as you watch. It's no Dark Side of the Moon / Wizard of Oz ... but it may make more sense... :-)

The first scene passed and I nearly cried. At the frickin maid with the vaccuum I nearly cried. I guess just because I know what kind of a weird ride I'm in for.

I remember how cute I think the soldier in the first part is.

I guess I should let you all know that I believe two things surrounding this movie and the things that generally surround its viewing.
1) Something in you changes, for the better or worse, every time you do acid.
2) Something in this movie, while watching it on acid, will affect you deeply no matter who you are or what you've been through.

I watched this movie on acid with my ex many different times during the course of our getting back together. I ended up in tears every time for one reason or another. Generally it led to us growing a little closer, understanding each other a little better, but of course it was never enough.

The big police bust scene: the only thing I think generally while watching that scene is how ridiculously bad everyone's clothes are...

God...Bob Geldof looks like such a fucking baby!

The first time I w atched this movie I never really knew anyone who had ever been to a war, or who even had the possibility of going into one. I wonder if knowing all of the servicepeople, and former servicepeople, that I do now if it will make a difference.

Wow! The fat mom's flowery dress. That used to crawl across the screen when I was trippin'.... heeheehee
You don't really understand the meaning of the word "trippy" until you've actually tripeed. I'm certain that a lot of the textures and patterns put in this movie are put there to fuck with the trippin' people on purpose. If you trip, you probably think that too. If you don't, you wonder what the fuck I'm talking about .

During the scene where Bob Geldof is thrashing around in the pool of water/blood it always seems to me like his boxer shorts disappear, but there's never a long or clear enough shot for me to know for sure.

While I love the British accent hearing it from adults, I think that British children sound like pussies.

Poor co-dependent bastard. I'm slightly co-dependent. Chris says it's because I'm a woman. Thank goddess, though, that I'm not that bad.

Mmmmmm....pb&j ....... somebody get that kid some garlic! :-p

I always thought the kid looked a lot like the kid in Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" video. On acid, it seems completely likely that they are the same kid. I never questioned my logic until now ... hmmm

There's that trippy damn dress again ... and my on of my favorite parts - the animations.

My ex has a lot of the animation tattooed on his leg.

When the black bird picks off the piece of ground and it bleeds, it always hurts me on my right arm.

The little gas-mask people hiding remind me of me. When I am particularly crushed or afraid for any reason I like to hide curled up in my closet.

I always felt bad for the kid when he got his poetry taken and made fun of. That happened to me when I was young. It's not fun. For some reason I didn't think it fitting that the poem was just lyrics from "Money". I always wanted it to be something more profound and appropriate for the boy to write.

- that is my favorite part in The Wall. It's not even 20 second long. Something sounds so free about it, and the drums in the back are awesome.

Fucking pussy British kids ...

The kid's nervous tick always freaked me out. He rubs the back of his hand and blows on it. Why? Maybe sobriety will solve the mystery.

I love this part of the movie where every iconic woman of his life starts to run together. I don't know why. I suppose because it shows how many people, and especially men, see people as groups much more than they see them as individuals.
This is also the part of the movie where all of the different story lines start to become really clear. I've often considered writing a "Sober Person's Guide to The Wall" to help people keep all this shit straight. Probably intelligent people can figure it out. So maybe it should be a "Stupid Persons..." but that's just condescending isn't it?

Ahhh...the fucking flowers. Yes, they're actually fucking. That sneaky fucking bastard boy flower always pissed me off. He's caring, then intimidating, and then finally just pushes his way in. I feel violated. Every time. But of course what happens to all pushy bastards? Eventually we come back, become strong, and bite back. Ha.

More police brutality ... and the old ladies get away with the loot! Go, old ladies, go!!

The look on the black security guard's face always cracked me up. Come on. It was the fucking 70's. I always kinda figured blowjobs would be a dime a dozen - what are you so surprised about? Hahaha!

The part where the blond gets the security guys' grey shirt and puts it on is great. I don't know what ever happened to this girl, but what a great acress. No words at all, but the glance at teh badge, the shrug, and the clap came right across to me. I've felt that way so many times and completely relate. Stop, check out the fucked-uped-ness of the situation, shrug it off, and party. I know that feeling pretty damn well.

Of course it all kind of comes crashing down on her as she goes into Pink's room. The party in here is not so easily shrugged off. This is where The Wall starts turning bad for me. This is where I'll start to cry. Chris is going to look at me really funny when I do. I think he'll understand though. He understands me a lot and I appreciate that. Even when I cry about my past.

"Would you like to call the cops? Do you think it's time I stopped? Why are you running away?" That's such a chilling line, because to people like that it makes perfect sense.

And I didn't cry, thankyouverymuch! Ha. Take that, past. I'm getting over you after all. I teared up a bit at "...when you know how I need beat to a pulp on a Saturday night?" But it was just a little teary. Really. Ask Chris. I don't even think he noticed.

Damn, that pussy's got some sharp teeth! Hahahaha!

Even though this movie is supposed to be about Pink and all of his problems, I was always so drawn to his wife/ex. I was always so happy for her that she was free of him, his problems, and living happily. I now realize I'm happy for me for the same reasons. Go, girl, go! :-D

When I first started watching The Wall I watched it off of an old copied VHS tape. The analog was wonderful. I think the movie was designed to be seen in analog. I don't think you get some of the same effects when you watch it in digital. I would almost go out and buy a VCR and find this thing on tape to see it in analog again. The big wall that Pink is clawing at is a prime example. It doesn't appear to crawl nearly as much as it did in analog. Even sober.

One of the few scenes where I relate very much with Pink. The little acoustic guitar diddy where he is slowly organizing all the pieces of broken shit in his hotel room. Sometimes it's so much easier to organize *stuff* than to organize the things that are realloy needing to be done in your life. I fall into this trap a lot. I have a LOT of organizational crap around me all the time. And other things are in shambles that can't be put into boxes. I am working on those things now.

The nipple scene. I didn't ever think it was nearly as gross as everyone else seemed to. I thought that made me weird. Maybe it does.
Now the eyebrows and the slicked-back hair ... that's farking creepy!

That old ass remote control and the "15 channels" line makes me feel entirely too young to be watching this and loving it as much as I do. Not loving it like I love kids or puppies - but loving it in an obligatory sense. The way you love something or someone that's been in your life for a long time - that is all you've ever known. Maybe the way that cutters love pain or the way that addicts love heroine. I don't know. Probably pretty close to the way that I loved my ex after years of abuse. Wow ... even sober I learn something about myself from this movie. Like I said - every time. Wow... I'm just gonna sit and stew on that one for a minute if you don't mind.

I remember this movie seeming so much longer when I watched it before. I suppose that's the halluciongen's influence - but still. It's odd thinking of how far I've come in this movie already.

The CHEESE part! Where everyone is at the train station, and they suddenly stop, turn, and sing in chorus: "Bring the boys back home...". This is entirely too much cheese for a movie of this caliber.

Fucking A. If you are still reading this long ass blog post by now, you are either a dear, dear friend really wanting to know what is in the depths of my mind - or a hard-core blogreader. I commend you, either way.

I recall thinking heavily on this part with the injured bird. I remember thinking about how the bird was gross and broken, but the boy loved it and cared for it anyway. He hid it away and did all he could for it. I remember thinking how much that was like my relationship with my ex. I guess it died too...

Ewwww! maggots...grosssss

OMG!!!!!! The part where he's being drug down the hall and he melts!! OMFUCKINGG!!!!!!!That part is just creepy looking. Even sober. and more EWWWW at the maggots.

As creepy and Hitler-ish as this part is...I always thought the uniforms were mighty stylish as they're walking in step down the hall.

Okay ... cheeseball part number two. Scores of young people, rallied into a frenzy, brainwashed and full of hate - suddenly .... start .... dancing in sync! Woo woo! hahahahahaha! Forget "Hammer", let's shout "Boogie down!" Great.

The hammers in unison always made me dizzy and want to puke. I never did though, I don't think. This time wasn't much better.

The bathroom walls are another good example of a part of the movie that's better in analog. At least on drugs. Sober - doesn't make too much of a difference, I suppose.

Ahhh! The trial! Lovely.

I love the cross-dressing baliff guy. Does anyone else notice that he wears heels?

I remember the first time that I really *saw* the talking asshole. I had watched the movie a few times and knew what it was supposed to be. But one time it all kind of came together, the legs, the nuts, the whole package. I was absolutely stunned at the genius of the mechanics of an asshole who could not only speak, but was capable of locomotion. I loved it.

One of THE creepiest parts of the whole thing is in that last little video part where they show two second bits of video, mostly from the preceding clips. One part has Pink sitting on the ground, staring at a wall, and then turning as someone comes up behind. The look on his face terrifies me in its insanity. Bob Geldof did a great job acting in this flick - that or he is really, really insane.

Wow...and that's the movie. Time for a little editing and proofreading and then I'll hit the "Publish Post" button. I can't believe I blogged through this entire thing. Thank you, though, for putting up with this long fucking post and allowing me to humanize the act of watching this movie. It helped me through. Really, really it did.

Wow. Those poor kids.


Thursday, August 04, 2005

Creeping Out Of YOUR Shell??

So here is a recent comment on my "So Much For Sisters" post.

Darbi, if you're talking to me, I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I was there for you when you needed someone. I was always there for you. I'm sorry you lost your job. But it wasn't my doing. You should know that. I wish you well and know that you'll come out on top.

I get the feeling that this is probably Sister 99 ... the person that this post references.

I figure I will just address this comment really quick. Yes, you WERE there for me when I needed someone. You were there for me often. But when it came right down to it, you were NOT there for me when I needed you the most. When did I need you the most? When YOU needed ME. As much of a friend as you always were to me, you denied me the chance to be yours. When your life got turned upside down and you needed some counsel, you retreated. You didn't call and you didn't return phone calls. You hid. You're still hiding. Except for this small message you haven't made any contact at all with me or Sister. We miss you a lot and we're really hurt by the way that you just ditched us like you did.

I never said that it was your doing that I lost my job. Thanks for your concern. I WILL come out on top. I will come out better than ever thanks to the support of my genuine friends and my wonderful family.

You were a dear friend and I'll miss you. I wish you all the best. I'm just sorry I won't be there to see you to it.


Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Creeping Out Of My Shell

Okay ... so it's been a while since I've blogged the last time. Looking at the dates I see that it hasn't actually been *that* long, but it seems like years. An awful lot has changed in my life recently so I guess it's time to get to it and update everybody.

The first, and biggest thing, is that I lost my job. I worked in HR...believe me I've heard the joke about how people "lose" their jobs. I've even said it a time or two...

You don't "lose" a job like you just left it someplace. You can't just say,"Holy shit, where'd it go?" You see it coming. You screw up. You set yourself up for it.

Well let me tell you. I'm opening my mouth and inserting my foot. I never saw it coming.

A week after my boss told me she was "happy with my performance" and a week after she reminded me to limit my personal phone calls and emails at work (which I did) she fires me for poor performance and too many personal emails. According to her I should have been "so scared" that I cut out personal emails all together. The way I see it, if that's what she wanted, she should have spoken the fuck up.

So here I am ... jobless for the first time in a VERY loooong time. But I've already got some really good leads and am expecting to get something new lined up very soon. I'm hoping to even get something VERY close to home. I'd like to cut my commute down by a LOT or possibly keep the same commute time but ride my bike to work instead! :-D

I'm trying very hard to keep a positive outlook. I'm trying very hard not to be too depressed and not to drink too much. I allowed myself ONE night of drunken stupidness - the day I came home from work with my box of shit - to drink myself into oblivion. That's been it. I've been getting through thanks to wonderful support from my Sister and from Chris. Chris has really been amazing. I don't know what I would be doing with myself if he weren't here. Sister has been great too - she came that drunken night and let me cry on her shoulder. She came the next night to ride bicycles and go out to eat. I know that despite our inability to see each other daily at work anymore we will remain close, close friends. That is so important to me.

Chris and I ran away late Friday night/early Saturday morning to my folks' house for a while. Their place is always so relaxing and wonderful and it thrills me to no end that Chris sees it the same way. Chris and I did some talking while I was out there. I don't know why, but when I lost my job I was really afraid that I would lose him too. He reassured me that we're in this life together - me and him. Neither of us hang on to any long term plans, and there are never any concrete promises made, but for now it is us. We are going to make it through.

Tonight was a lot of fun. It is "National Night Out" for those of you who aren't *in the know*! Hahaha ... our street has a little get-together for the night and we have food and company and conversation. Our neighbor right across the street is the unofficial planner so it was really nice to have to go about 20 feet away from our driveway to find the party. I grilled a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE steak for me and Chris and made some (instant) mashed potatos *grin*. It's nice to know the neighbors. It's definitely a trend that is missing in the high-tech, busy world of today. Keeping with this trend, I decided to open up a Yahoo message group so that the more digitally-minded on the street can keep track of each other as well. I've never moderated my own message board before, so this should be pretty interesting.

So ... off to bed soon. Job hunt continues tomorrow morning.

Thank you, Chris. And thank you, Sister. You both mean so much to me.


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