Thursday, September 23, 2004

Catching Up's been a little while. But I thought with the THREE that I posted in one day last week you readers could go without for a while.

First thing - Last weekend. Best. Weekend. Ever. That's all....

Second thing - the Witch's Ball. I think I might actually have a couple of good date ideas. I've decided to alter my approach though. Since I am NOT looking for any kind of a relationship, I've decided to put off asking anyone officially to the Ball. I figure anyone who I ask now, I will have to stay in contact with over the next month - which could lead to more of a "relationship" than I am willing to commit to right now. So I'm going to procrastinate, and hope for the best.

3rd thing - Dancing. I've mentioned before about guys' dancing. There are a lot of different kinds of dancers and they're all so much fun. The really important thing to remember, though, is just to dance. This is the big secret, guys! Girls don't care how badly you dance - only that you dance. So give it a shot. It will work.

I think that's all for now. Gotta actually get some work done.


Monday, September 20, 2004


A memorial post.

Saturday afternoon a couple of the other "goddesses" and I were sent into town from the retreat for supplies. (Please read: we drank all the booze the night before and needed more.) We went to a nice little liquor store in Conroe. I was feeling whiskey-ish and asked the cute liquor store guy for a recommendation. He recommended Knob Creek - a lovely 100 proof bourbon whiskey. It was a big hit and definitely did its job with me Saturday night.

I went today to drop off a nice thank you card to the cute liquor store guy and found two police cars parked in front of the store. Coming closer I realized the horror of the situation. A little red sports car dived nose first into the front of the liqor store - right into the left side of the store...right into the whiskey section.

I just wanted to cry...

R.I.P. all you lovely whiskey bottles. I think there was a nice bottle of Belvane single malt scotch really near the windows too. Such a waste....



I was looking for something on my computer just now and ran across this. I wrote it a while back - just random fast poetry/prose/puking onto a Word document. I used to hate to hear my husband say my name. One day a friend of mine called me "Chica" and it was so awesome. And I wrote this. I've got other friends who call me things like "Sister" now (as you can tell from the comments section). I'm hoping someday to reclaim my name. But while working on's my crap poetry for the afternoon.

The angry, insistent call from the next room scrapes my heart like glass shards
Always annoyed, irritated, or demanding
Trying to sound sweet now
He must want something
“Hello!? Darbi!!”
Louder, angrier – I wish I could crawl into a corner
Better answer soon before he has to get up off the couch
He needs something from upstairs
But can’t stop playing his game of internet pool
I’m only doing laundry and dishes
Surely I’ve got enough time for his errand
3:00am. – I’m sleeping, peaceful
Wake up for work at 6:30
A slight prod, trying to wake me up
He must want something
I just pretend to sleep through it
It doesn’t matter, he will take what he wants anyway
How horrible is it to hate the sound of your own name?
If I never heard it again for the rest of my life, that would be okay
How nice is that?

*SCARED* I need a date!

Okay. I don't think I've been this nervous about anything in a long time.

I know I've talked a lot in this blog about needing certin things from that other gender, but I guess I haven't really put it in the context of a date. But now the time has come and I need one - and I'm SO nervous!!

One of the things that was talked about at the retreat this weekend was the Witch's Ball. This is like a big Halloween party for the Pagan community in Houston. It's held at a nice club downtown and is supposed to be a pretty big production - but it apparently is not one of those things that you want to show up at solo. So I've got to find a date. A real date. I've committed myself this morning, in fact, by buying TWO tickets. But this is a REAL date. Not just an "I want to take you out and have a couple of drinks with you before I attempt to have sex with you" kind of date - but a real "We are going out together to an event for the event's sake and if sex is not expected" date. Just to throw another wrench in this whole situation - it's not just a regular party - it's a COSTUME party. I'm told that while costumes are "optional", they're NOT - if you get my drift.

So I've got to find someone who 1) would actually go on a date with me 2) would put on a costume and go on a date with me 3) would go on a date with me, dressed in a costume, and be comfortable with a club-full of Pagans.

Already in my mind I have a list running of viable candidates. I have NEVER dated before. How does this work? Do I ask everybody and hope only one says yes? Do I start with my first pick and move on as I'm shot down? Do I start with the best bet of a "yes" answer and move on from there? How is this supposed to work?? EEEEEEeeeeeek!

Anyone?? Anyone?? Somebody tell me how this is supposed to work!


Sunday, September 19, 2004

A Beautiful Weekend

Well, my weekend retreat was really really amazing. Spending time with a group of Pagan women really put things into perspective and helped me recharge. I wish that I could keep the feeling that I had over the weekend all the time. The women were just wonderful. They were young, old, big, small, from many cultures - but all beautiful. Looking at all of them, their beauty reflected back on me and I felt beautiful for the first time in a long time. All of my insecurities, all of my negative self-image melted away with every passing hour.

My new goal is to work to make myself a healthier person inside and out. I want to be as beautiful on the outside as I felt on the inside over the weekend. I think I was looking at the wrong motivation for improving myself. I wanted to look "right", I wanted to look good so that someone could like me. What I am looking for now is just to feel better and take better care of myself in general. I can be happy with my body. I think I had to accept that before I could be ready to make any improvements on my body.

So I will keep you posted on my progress.

More on the weekend. I drank a lot, did a couple of rituals, chanted, found out I'm damn good at drumming, and danced around the fire, and tie-dyed my own sarong! Rain came on Saturday night, but we went on with the ritual as planned. It was really amazing circling around a fire in the rain with a group of deeply spiritual friends. We didn't let the rain spoil the moment - it amplified it.

Still trying to sort out a lot of the feelings that came from the weekend. I will keep you posted on those as I work it out.

My favorite chant -
I am a strong woman
I am a story woman
I am a healer
My soul will never die


Friday, September 17, 2004

Jareth, where are you?

Okay. So I sat down last night determined to think of something besides my lack of a sex life to talk about on my blog. And it worked out really great for me. While I was unable to come up with a subject TOO far out, I did come to an epiphany about the kind of man I want in a relationship (not that I'm looking for one right now). I'm looking for Jareth. That's right, the Goblin King from the movie Labyrinth. Now before you all start looking at me strangely let me explain.
I am naturally a "giver". I've always been generous. Just tell me what you need, and I'll hand it right over. I was always getting in trouble in elementary school for giving away my lunch money to the kid who forgot theirs. I still tend to lend money to people too regularly and never expect it in return. Ask me to lay down in the middle of the street and die for you - chances are if we haven't just met (and maybe even if we have) I'll do it. That's just me. It is also quite apparent in my relationships. I give and give and give. That's what I do. When I dedicate myself to one person I will do just about anything for them. Down to the real nitty gritty - I'm very much a submissive. Sexually, I like to be dominated, told what to do. So yeah, I guess you get the idea by now...I'm a giver.
The problem with this is that people tend to take advantage of me. They ask too much. They stretch me too thin. This was exactly the problem with my husband. He controlled me too much, muted my spirit, and never gave a thing in return. He always wanted more. Eventually I got tired of it and left. That's it.
So in thinking about all of this mess last night I got to thinking about The Labyrinth, which is truly one of my favorite movies of all time. Let me give you a little summary of how this movie works. There's a girl, Sara, whose little brother is stolen by the Goblin King, Jareth. Jareth becomes obsessed with Sara and wants her to stay with him in this magical goblin land instead of getting her brother back and going back to the "real world". Sara refuses, and this upsets Jareth. Seeing as how he is a king and all, he's not used to being told "no". So he tries and tries to get her to stay. This all culminates into a scene at the end of the movie where she is about to say the "magic words" and scoot it back to the real world with her baby brother. Jareth tells her, "Just fear me, love me, do as I say - and I will be your slave." THIS, folks, is what I am looking for. Someone who will give to me just as much as I am giving to him.
As an extension to this I got to thinking about true dom/sub relationships. Most people know that the submissive in a sexual relationship is the one that is controlled, but also the one with all of the power. In a proper dom/sub relationship there is usually a "safe" word or phrase that tells the dom he or she has gone too far and needs to stop. That is one of the real draws to being a sub - having power but not using it unless it's really needed. I guess that's what I like about it. That also gives a little more insight into why my relationship ended. I lost all power and was only expected to give. I said no and he said "fuck you". So...when my figurative safe word no longer worked for me - I knew it was time to get out. And I did. I'm so glad I finally found the strength.
So, back to a lighter note - where is my Jareth? Where is my Goblin King? I have no doubt in my mind if someone walked up to me right now and said, "Just fear me, love me, do as I say - and I will be your slave" I have no doubt I would melt like butter and be his forever! Of course, the long hair and tight pants wouldn't hurt a thing either....

I'm off after work to a Pagan Women's retreat that will last the whole weekend. I'm really excited about it and think I could use the break! Hopefully I will have something good to say when I get back next week.

Have a great weekend, everybody!


Thursday, September 16, 2004

Too Close / Too Far

I am going to change the name of my blog to "Bitching about my non-existant sex life". Because it seems that is all I do here. But of course, that is all that is on my mind. So of course, when I sit down to write a blog that just happens to be What Comes To Mind (please see current blog name).
So, on to my Too Close/Too Far problem.
This is the problem with men and trying to get a little hook up out of any of them. They are all either too close to me, or too far from me.
Too close means lots of things. Generally the people that fall into this category are 1) men that I work with and 2) men that know my husband. Now, I realize that there are men that I work with that are available and I'm not saying all of them are too close. The ones that are too close are the ones who are married and still hitting on me, older than my father and still hitting on me, or just those that I know that have a big big mouth. I'm not looking for half the people I work with knowing what I'm up to on the weekends. These men are TOO CLOSE and therefore I cannot or should not hook up with them.
Too far means only one thing. I don't yet know them. These are people on the internet, people I pass on the street, people that hit on me in a bar or club. As I've said before I am not looking to start even a casual dating relationship with anyone. In order to get to know most of these people, that is probably what I'm going to have to start with. Of course, if I really wanted to I could probably just head home with one of these people. But in today's world of STD's and weirdos with knives I don't think that is such a great idea.
Now to the men in the middle. There is a group of men in the middle of these two groups. These very few guys are definitely my type and unattached. There aren't many of them. However, this is my fear with them. I generally consider myself to be in the "friend zone" with these guys. They are my friends. These guys, I think, are my best bet, but I guess I just suck at dragging someone out of the "zone" and into something more - because I just haven't made it happen yet.
My biggest fear is that out of desperation I will end up with someone out of the Too Close or Too Far groups and get myself into a load of trouble.
But until that desperate moment hits, I will just continue to hope for someone from the Friend Zone to come around.

...le sigh...

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Hell and a Half

I wrote out a pretty good blog just now...and then my computer farked up....and I lost it all. Let me see if I can do this again.

I am posting this in the morning at work. I am still making some sort of an effort to be motivated and actually get something accomplished in my day. I know I am not going to be able to quit screwing around cold turkey so I've made a deal with myself. Do all your screwing around, check your blogs, email, and write a blog first thing. Then focus the rest of the day. So that is what I'm up to. I know, I know - I don't really think it will work either - but it is worth a shot.

I had a really oddball dream last night. I dreamed that one of my friends was a paper doll. I've been trying to get this guy (we'll call him Guy, in fact) figured out and I guess that just came out in my dream. So there Guy was, in my dream, 2-D and wearing a pair of maroon paisley boxer shorts (hey - it's my dream, he can wear whatever I want him to wear!). I proceeded to cover him with the uniforms of different subcultures. There was Business Guy, Punk Rock Guy, Motorcycle Guy, S&M Guy, Hippie Guy, all different kinds of Guys. It was a really interesting dream. It's just too bad that paper dolls come with underclothes...because it wouldn't have been so bad to see Nudist Guy! Hahahahahahaha! Dreams can be cruel sometimes.... which brings me to point -

I am still a really lonely, horny bastard. All interested parties are either 1) married 2) old 3) both or 4) just not my type. Let me pause for a moment to define "old". I am not a really picky person in this department. My idea of *old* pretty much cuts off at my father's age. So I don't want you to think I'm out there looking for the "perfect man" in his twenties. I know he doesn't exist. But, truth be told, standards seem to be dropping by the day. I hope something works out soon - I dont' want to do something stupid out of desperation. :-(

Monday, September 13, 2004

My 1st Uninhibited Weekend

Went out both nights last weekend and had a real blast both nights. It's so good to be on my own again and feel like myself again. I didn't do anything toooo crazy and stayed safe - so I guess it'll go down as a success.

Night 1 - Friday - went down to a cheesy little dance club with my friend Daisy. There are 3 rooms: 1 80's, 1 hip-hop/dance, 1 salsa room. Spent most of the evening going back and forth between the 80's and dance rooms. I love a place like this with more than one dancing area. What this means is that you can dance in one room with one guy, and when/if (usually when) he gets to be too grabby you can motion to your friend to switch rooms, and you can go start all over again with a whole new crowd. I danced with a few guys through the night - the most memorable was a guy who looked like Moby and Hannibal Lecter had a love child. I know, it's hard to imagine, but if you can get the vision in your head - that's what this guy looked like. He was in the 80's room. I had seen him in there on and off all night dancing by himself. I'm drawn to that kind of confidence, so when a good song came on I just walked up, gave him a little smile, and started dancing with him. He was very nice and not a bad dancer. I'll have to do another post later about types of guy dancers. They're a hoot.... :-) Danced my ass off until the place shut down at 2am and went home.....alone.

Night 2 - Saturday - went down to a bar to see a live band play. This is NOT the live band from my previous posts. That band is currently taking a hiatus from shows. This is a band that a fellow Soma-ite recommended to me - so I went and met her down in the city for a little live-music fix. This band, Liquid Sand, was really awesome. Much more marketable than Soma - seems they've been at it longer. The group of folks I was with were a little unbalanced, gender-wise. Lots of girls, just two guys. Both were "spoken for" very quickly. This ended up a little odd for me as a really cute girl named Carmen got drunk and decided she was going to go after me instead. Carmen was a damn cute girl, and I'm not one to get all picky over gender, so I danced with her some. I got a couple of very sweet, albeit drunk and sloppy, kisses from her. Someday if I ever decide to post some pictures I'll post one of me and Carmen dancing. The music was really great and so I danced a lot. Danced my ass off until the place shut down at 2am and went home.....alone........again.

Pretty lonely weekend except for my minor girl-on-girl action in the middle of the bar dance floor. This is getting pretty old pretty quick. I'm in need of a little lovin'.....

Lonely as I could be,

Friday, September 10, 2004


Okay. I guess if I'm going to get all personal in this blog I might as well go all the way and tell you what I'm really thinking.

I've been so unsatisfied with my marraige for so long, it is SO good to be putting it behind me. But here is the problem. I am a warm-blooded American woman. I have NEEDS! But...I'm not looking to jump into anything major right now for sure. So what is a girl to do? Since boys are boys, getting laid is NOT a problem. I could walk into any place and pick up SOMEONE but I don't want to. I don't want something meaningless and quick. I don't want someone who I will never see or speak with again. BUT I don't want someone who is going to want me to turn around immediately and get into another relationship.

There ARE good men out there - I know a lot of them. I just don't think that any of them are looking for something like that from me. There are even a couple of good prospects out there, but I either keep missing them or I'm just too chicken shit to make anything happen!

I will admit to this into the dark void that no one really ever reads that I am currently quite enamored with one particular individual. He's everything that I ever wanted - physically, mentally, the works! I would rather spend time with him in my day than any other person that I can think of right now. He makes me happier than anyone in the world right now. But this is the biggest problem I've got, too. I'm not ready for someone so damn perfect in my life. I'm not ready for someone who could possibly take my heart away again. But, geeeeez, I really really want him.

Any ideas out there?

Thursday, September 09, 2004


It's a good damn day.

I've stayed away from really personal information on this blog for a reason, but I guess it's time to go ahead and air out the dirty laundry. I'm married...but now separated. I really don't think I could be happier about it. I'm LOVING life. I feel free, I feel happy, and I feel ready to move on with my life. Things were just too hard before. I'm just staying with some friends until I can get my own apartment, but I've taken a step in the right direction.

So today, I have a reason to LIVE! And that reason is FREEDOM!!

More later....


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