Friday, February 25, 2005


In honor of Monkey Boy's People Appreciation Week I have resolved to appreciate my coworkers today by letting them know how I *really* feel. I will dust off favorites like:
"And your crybaby whiney-assed opinion would be...?"
"Sarcasm is one just one more service we offer!"
"If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
"Do I look like a people person to you?"
These are all great because I work in HR - heeheehee...All of us in my department have these really lovely signs at our desk with a demon-spawn baby face taken off of some tabloid cover and "Welcome to Sub-Human Resources". We're a really fun department! :-D

Pete and Sam were farking awesome last night. I just love those guys...
Sam even sang Umbrella for me, which is absolutely my favorite song of his. The lyrics are really beautiful and the symbolism is great. It's just my kind of song!

Today is Go Texan Day in Houston - so it is one of my favorite days of the year. Not really because I'm such a proud and true Texan gearing up for the rodeo - but because it's the one day of the year that we're allowed to wear jeans at work to "show off our Texan spirit". I just work so much better in a comfy pair of jeans. Ahhhhh.....comfort.... :-D

Weekend plans are SO very up in the air. My roommate and I are considering a road trip to Austin I think - or at least the last I checked. Who knows what kind of silliness we can get into there...hmmm :-D Guess it's time to check out Austin's CraigsList and see what's going on!

That's it for this morning's update. I'm running on less than 3 hours of sleep so work is going to be a chore - so I better get to it.

Happy Friday, Go Texas, yay for jeans!

Thursday, February 24, 2005

As promised...

Just a couple of pictures...

Me and Chris...curly-headed silly folk

The infamous cafe - I'm dancing over on the left!

That's all for is insanely busy so I better get back to it!

Pete and Sam tonight at the Boat! Yay!

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Communication and other stuff...

I talk a lot.

But I listen a lot too.

I love people. I love to watch them, I love to know them, and I love to interact with them. At the very root of me - there is interest in people. Some folks are just "people watchers" - but I have to go past that. I have to INTERACT with them.

Sometimes I wonder if I talk too much - sometimes I wonder if my overanalysis and subsequent discussion of any situation is unwarranted. Maybe it is...but it's me. It is who I am. I will sit and talk at you for hours - as long as you'll listen. But I will also listen for hours - as long as you need me to.

I appreciate my friends who will talk with me for hours and I hope you never get sick of listening to me.

ALSO - Can I just tell everybody that I look farking great today? I have got a a picture of myself from the last time that I wore this dress and I look like a SAUSAGE!! I tried it on this morning and it fits just right - not too tight and not too loose. I love the way that I look today.

And finally - I've gotten off my ass and signed up for a photo hosting service so I can now post pictures on here. I'll start loading them up and posting them soon - I promise!


Tuesday, February 22, 2005


Damn those evil little things.

Intentions are something that I forget about a lot of the time. I am a pretty straightforward person and my intentions are generally very clear. If I'm doing something and I tell you why - those are my intentions. Generally my intentions are good, honest, and kind.

Occasionally a situation presents itself where I am forced to question a person's intentions. I really hate these situations. Sitting down and contemplating someones intentions generally leads me to contemplate ALL intentions - which leaves me nervous and suspicious. And so here I sit, today, wondering what the hell all of you are doing reading my blog??? I know, I know (hahaha) that's something of an extreme example, but it illustrates my point exactly. See, I realize that not everyone in this world has intentions like I do. I realize that alterior motives and false pretenses exist everywhere. Due to my own lack of these mental evils, I tend to forget about them until I am caught up in examining someone's motives. And so now, I'm here, trying to forget again. Because I love believing the best in people and trusting them completely - but right now it's just really hard.

I suppose all I can do is hope and trust that I have surrounded myself with friends that are always straightforward and truthful with me about their intentions.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Another Loss

"We cannot expect people to have respect for law and order until we teach respect to those we have entrusted to enforce those laws."
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Hunter S. Thompson

Another great loss in the literary world.

This man was never afraid to write what he wanted to. He was ridiculously truthful all the time, and therefore a great personal hero. He did mention once, however, about not writing everything in order to keep himself and a whole shitload of people out of jail. ...I can respect that... :-D

I'm gonna be really honest with y'all today and simply apologize for not blogging a little more - especially after a weekend. I've got some swimming thoughts this evening that need to be worked out for my own personal use. So I'm going to get to that. More later when I can sort these feelings out and file them away to make room for more lovely blogginess...

Friday, February 18, 2005

Moon Man and Me

Moon Man is a band recommended in yesterday's blog. I went and saw them again in concert last night. And so...I thought I'd just give a little more history on my knowledge of this great band and tell a little story.

Back before I left my husband he was out of town just about every week. Desperate for some fun times I ended up pretty regularly out mid-week at the 19th Hole - a dark and smokey, but wonderful, bar in The Woodlands. On one of my first outings here I walked in and saw the dude now known as Pinkerton. Well Pinkerton was turned away from me slightly and was talking to someone behind him, and he bore a striking resemblance to a friend of mine. I was PISSED that my friend would have left me out of the loop on his being in a band. Of course, I walked a little closer, realized that it was in fact not my friend, and got over myself really quick. BUT...the band had caught my attention so I sat down to watch the show.

I was really blown away by the band and the show. Pinkerton's stage presence is amazing! He's got these great, expressive eyes, a powerful voice, and an awesome fucking bass. The rest of the band was great too - not your average, everyday rock band with stereotypical players. These guys seemed different and unique in a way that makes you want to stick around to see what they're up to. Plus (and I will admit this now that I know he's married and that his wife frickin' rocks) Pinkerton's a cutie. So I hung out, listened, and really enjoyed the show.
Their music is really something different to hear - different bits and pieces of so many genres cut'n'pasted into an awesome display. They're too this to be that, but they're too something else to be another thing. It's one of those strange but wonderful things that I think is great. The parts come together to be greater than the whole (I refuse to use the corporate buzzword that matches that description).
I went and saw them at the Hole a few diffferent times and was never disappointed by a show. Always energetic and a ton of fun.

Fast forward a bit to just after I left my husband. I was out trying new things, meeting new people, and basiclly trying to "find myself". My trips to the Hole dwindled to nearly nothing. While I remembered the great shows, other things came in to take up my evenings.

Fast forward again, if you please, to Wednesday night. Chris and I have been adding a little varitey to our Wednesday night outings, and after a short stint at Molly's decided to go and try out the Hole. We walked in, and who did I see tuning up his sweet fucking bass but Pinkerton. We were just in time for the last set and I was elated! We rocked out to Moon Man for the rest of the night and Chris enjoyed them just as much as I knew he would. We got a chance to meet Pinkerton after the show and he told us about another show they were playing Thursday guess where we ended up last night? Hahaha - you get 3 guesses and the first 2 don't count!

Last night's show was great as well and we got a chance to sit and chill with and meet the entire band as well as Pinkerton's wife who is an awesome, awesome chick. So many times I've gone out to see bands play and meet the members. It seems so sad to me that so many people are out there playing gigs and their significant others are sitting at home. I hear, "Oh, she's heard it all before" or "She's just not into my music" and it's SO SAD! P's been getting support from his chica for 20 frickin' years and she's still rockin' out to the music and having a great time like it was her first show. I think that is bad ass and I have endless respect for this woman. Way to go! You farking rock!

So...this is a short history of me and getting to know a really, really great band. Please check them out on the web at You will NOT be disappointed! Also, Pinkerton was cool enough to hook me up with a bunch of CD's last night so I've got a lot to hand out. Let me know if you want one - if I know you I'll bring it by. If not, hell, email me your address and I'll stick it in the mail for ya.

I don't have to work this weekend, for the first weekend in what feels like a loooooooooong time.
I'm going to go home, get drunk, watch movies, and get laid (sorry if I'm being presumptuous here, Chris, but you're easy! hahaha). I hope everyone has a great weekend, too.

Cheers and shit,

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Reason #54

It's a damn important reason. Why? I have no idea.
However, in those situations where I am giving a random reason for whatever purpose and I am looking for a random reason number...well my number is always 54. Because that's the best reason of all.

Reason #54 why I'm taking TrimSpa - sure scientists will learn someday that its ingredients will kill me, but at least I'll die thin!

Reason #54 why you should always take good music referrals from me - and Trust me. This is some of the best music around.

That's all for today.


Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Naaaah - naah - naah - nanananaaaaaa...nanananaaaaa

For my first intentional non-Chris post I've picked two more of my favorite things to blog about...
Music and books - specifically when the two come together.

In addition to all of the other great things that I love about Stephen King's writing, I really enjoy the way that music plays such an important role in his books. You can definitely tell that music has influenced him and it leaks into his writing all the time. So often you will find a writer who mentions the music playing in a bar or some other scene but you really can't get a feel for how the music is affecting the mood of the story. But with King, he will often recite lyrics or simply tell the reader the name of the song in the story. Immediately, in the nether-regions of the mind the song starts to play. A good writer can tell a story in such a way that more than one sense is enlivened with the words. Of course a good writer will paint a picture of a scene that you can see and describe dialogue that you can hear - but so rarely will an author include music familiar enough for you to hear. With music as important to me as it is, this simple action draws me into the story so much more. I am a HUGE fan of King's Dark Tower Series and have recently began re-reading the books in order to refresh my memory so that I can read the final one. I'd forgotten the great music included in the book - but I giggled out loud when Roland hears a drunken chorus of
"Naaaah - naah - naah - na na na na na naaaaa....hey JUDE!"
I've been a part of more than one instance where a bar full of drunken people sang along to a song like this, and it just put me in touch with the surroundings. I know what it would be like to be there. When I read a book I want descriptions so specific that a movie runs through my head and I can see the action. Stephen King does this - and doesn't forget my favorite sense of all - my hearing!

Picking up and re-reading the books from the Dark Tower series, or any favorite book, is always an awesome feeling. It's like running into an old friend. Even further than this, reading King's OTHER books and finding the amazing tie-ins is like finding out that a new friend used to live next door to your old best-friend in elementary school or something. There's this great huge cast of characters and forces that run through all of his books - keeping you interested, keeping your mind sharpened and ready to find a hint, and keeping you reading. I'm just getting started and I'm already enthralled.

To books and the music in them,


Tuesday, February 15, 2005

My Post-Valentine's Blog

Okay so yesterday I surfed the net...a lot. Work was just not in my head. And so I surfed...did I mention a LOT?

One thing that I noticed out there in blogland is that Valentine's Day is a pretty big day for posting love stories. I read a lot of them. They were all wonderful, sweet, and full of lovely details that us voyeuristic fucks that read blogs love. There is simply so much love out in the world.
Why are there wars and fights and stupidness like that? If we could all stop loving just one person for a minute we could probably solve a lot of that. As horribly as I feel towards our dumbass Dubya I have no doubt in my mind that he dotes upon his wife and daughters and showers them with love. Why couldn't he chip off a tiny bit of that for ONE SECOND and give it to the rest of the world - instead of trying to dominate it all the time? Whoa...sorry about that. Kind of went off on a scary, windy road there. I will attempt to pull myself back on track with what I really wanted to blog about today...

*clears throat*

So back to today. I went thru these lovely stories of devotion for the holiday yesterday and thought about my own blog. Short, sweet, and not even to the point - just a general idea for anyone who reads. If nothing else, my blog has always been completely informative - I don't hide a lot from you people. So why was yesterday so different? I don't know...I can't figure it out. I just thought it was ... enough.
Something is definitely different, though, since the "big event" (as some have taken to calling it). As much as I told myself that it would be nearly the same situation, it does feel different. It's a good different. I'm insanely happy, and I guess I just feel at peace inside. I can't really describe it. And I don't really even want to try. When I can put it into words, I will. But until then - just expect blogs on other subjects. Just let me wallow around in this a while, wouldja? :-D

That's all...for today anyway.

Wallowing in happiness will now continue in 5...





Monday, February 14, 2005


What exactly can I say about today?

It's Valentine's Day...which usually is not my favorite day of the year. It's very commercial. It was invented by Hallmark to screw hard-working people out of a few more bucks for a card and maybe a trinket one more day out of the year. I've never been one of those girls who wanted or even appreciated an expensive piece of jewlery - I'd rather you save your money for something more practical.
My personal feeling on expressions of love is that the TRULY great ones don't cost a thing and that they're much better when I'm not expecting them.

But this year Valentine's Day is different.

THIS year it is special.

Not because I've become some sort of a materialistic person that wants something for Valentine's Day, but because I got something for Valentine's Day. I got something great. It didn't cost a thing, but it means more to me than anything I could ever imagine.

Thank you, Chris. Oh, and that thing...yeah... ;-)

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Working on a Sunday

So here I am...working on Sunday. I worked Saturday too. But I can't complain too much - I do get paid for this ridiculous amount of overtime. And I DEFINITELY can't complain because one of the first excitements of today was a knock on my window. I've got an office closest to the front door, so it's not uncommon for people who can't get in to knock on my window for me to come to the door. I expected to turn around and find a forgetful coworker who forgot their key or a contractor forgetting we're closed on the weekend in the office. BUT... I turned around and saw Randy. I know I've mentioned this cutie a couple of times in blogs past and if I weren't feeling blog-lazy and trying to finish up a quick lunch I would find some links for you - but I'm going to have to ask you to rely on memory here. He works for a contractor that does semi-regular work here at my place of business and they are here today working out in the shop. He saw my car in the parking lot on the way in and decided to stop in for a quick "hello" before getting to work. He even climbed over a gate to get up here to see me! :-D So he came up and we had a nice little chat. He lost my phone number AGAIN but has got a new cell phone - so he put my number IN his phone so hopefully he will call soon. He is just one of the coolest, sweetest guys. I like him a lot and hope that he calls. He always say he will, then never does. But I figure he must be at least marginally interested - at least in a friendship - because he's really got to make an effort to come up and see me. If he didn't think I was a pretty cool gal he could just stop coming by. Right?? Right????? This is my logic on the situation anyway...

Another quick thing I wanted to post...
I am a pretty avid reader of Houston's CraigsList. I just think it's the coolest damn site and you can find all sorts of weirdness on there any given day. Last week a number of the "rants and raves" posters started posting lists of personal confessions for the masses and I joined in. Of course, I try and be as honest as possible on my blog as well so I thought I'd copy and paste my list here as well. Some of these things many of you already know or have been able to deduce fairly easily from my blog. Some - maybe not. But anyway - here is my list of ten confessions for the masses.

1. I had too much to drink last night and am sitting at work with a helluva headache.
2. I also had some great, rough sex last night so it nearly hurts to sit and my chest is covered with hickeys so bad they feel like bruises - and I like it!
3. I have some real-deal lovely bruises on my hips and ass. They feel great.
4. I hardly have time to read at all anymore and I feel like I'm losing brain cells over it.
5. I'm ridiculously in love with someone who won't commit and I'm sure that once I finally give up on him and move on to someone else he will change his mind. But I won't. Life's an ironic bitch.
6. I try very hard not to use people for sex to keep my mind off of the guy I love. I used to think it was because I felt like a slut, but really I think I just don't like using people.
7. I hope every day that my next relationship will be with a girl - because I really, really need that right now. I don't know why.
8. Quote from a Real Sex episode which describes me perfectly "I love girls who look like cute boys." I reeeeeealy do...
9. I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. I love girls, but if I am with a guy, he's got to be hung. If I can't feel it there, you better not have one.
10. I'm very tired of being overweight and am becoming very insecure. I am about to put myself on a huge diet that will probably lessen my general health but I don't care. I want to be thinner.

Well...I better get back to work. Today's the last day to finish the massive filing project that's due for the audit tomorrow. I simply have to stay until it's done. Please let me get out of here before tomorrow...grrr....


Friday, February 11, 2005

R.I.P. Mr. Miller

Those people brave enough and confident enough in their work to actually make their living, and make their living well, by writing are always amazing to me - especially those who are uniquely skilled and gifted at this trade. Arthur Miller is one of the greatest writers of our time. I love his work and have great respect for him. The loss of such a brilliant mind is always tragic.

Speaking of loss, I would also like to express my deepest care to the Elston Family in Borger, Tx. Martha was an absolutely wonderful woman who influenced me growing up musically, spiritually, and personally. I will always regret not staying in closer touch with the family and am unbelieveably sad that I won't see her again. Martha always focused on the celebration of life, and I hope that with your greif you all are remembering, cherishing, and celebrating memories as well. I know that is what I am trying to focus on here. Positive and healing energies to you all. I wish I could be closer to tell you all this in person. Instead I just have to post my feelings here, even though none of you will probably ever read it. It's something I can do to make myself feel better.

To all of those who go before,


Damn creeper headaches...
I was fine this morning when I woke up - save for a little (okay, a LOT) sleepy from my usual Wednesday night/Thursday night schedule. But as the morning is wearing on here at work I'm starting to develop a headache. I drank a good bit of bourbon last night and topped it off with a couple of Cape Cods so I suppose a headache is simply in order. But I thought I'd snuck by it. Apparently I'm not as sneaky as I'd hoped. Because now I'm here at work with a pounding headache. But it's starting to wane, so I'm sure I'll survive.

My heart is spinning as of late. Feelings flying by, knocking me off balance, and confusing the hell out of me. But it's okay. I'd much rather go through life FEELING things than just be a stone-cold person who is unaffected by the emotions and people that pass. Spending time with Chris over the past couple of days has been an absolute whirlewind of emotion. There are some times that I look at him and think that I see the end. I can almost see the point where we'll lose what we have and become simple friends. I can see my heart finally breaking from the stress and the pain of loving him too much and I change the course. And then something will happen... It's usually nothing big - just a little smile or a touch or a word and I'm back. My heart swells again and I'm sure I'm in for the long haul. I honestly couldn't tell you which hurts worse. On one hand I do dread the day that I give up on Chris - my feelings for him are a bright spot in my heart. But on the other hand, realizing that I can't turn away and will continue my waiting is nearly as hard.

In addition to the confusion of Chris I'm thinking an awful lot lately about this new person that I've found myself interested in. I probably should give him a name since I see myself talking about him more and more in this blog. I think I will call him...Blue. Because that's the color of his eyes. There are times in fact when he pervades my thoughts so much I'm nearly sure he's taken Chris's place. And then reality steps in and I know that while thinking of Blue makes me smile he's not quite to Chris's level yet - perhaps just because we don't spend as much time together. I'm hoping that starts to change soon, though. I really, really do. There's just a really nice newness to a shiny new toy.

So that's my Friday. Headachy and thoughtful. I plan to go home tonight and go to bed. I have no money for going out and I could really use some sleep. I hope everyone has a great weekend.


Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Lost: One set of balls

Okay so there's this guy...I've mentioned him breifly in my blog before. He's absolutely nothing that I normally like in a guy but I like him a lot. He's mysterious!!!! I can't figure him out. He's really one of the only guys that I can think of that that are up there on the same interest level as Chris. I talk to him nearly every day. We purposefully go to each other's offices to say hello. We're going out to DINNER next week (not a date - just for food). And I'm really not sure if he knows how I feel or not.

I'm usually a pretty up-front girl. If I like you, you should know it. I am not afraid to lay it all out there. But with him, I just can't. Has anyone seen where I left my balls???
I flirt with him - I really do. A LOT. But he just doens't seem to realize. And I can't come out and tell him exactly what I think.

I think I've got a tiny bit of logic in my brain that tells me it wouldn't work between us. He's too Republican and too quiet. He's so introverted. But at the same time, when I really think about it...we probably could. But we probably won't. But I wish we could...I'd give it a damn good shot anyway...

Why do I lose my nerve when he's around? Anyone?

Monday, February 07, 2005


I'm blogging at night again...back up at MoCo using their wifi. Something I've been meaning to do for a long time is post some poetry. I actually remembered to grab a little folder full of it when I left the house so I suppose tonight is the night. Words are amazing. I love words like I love music...I actually think that it's an extension of my love of music. While beats, rhythms, melody, and harmony are all important to me - lyrics are one of my favorite things about music. So on to some words without music...just good poetry.

This first one is a poem I wrote about a boyfriend I had a long, long time ago. I was probably...13 or so. I found it my senior year, cleaned it up a bit, and entered it into a poetry contest. I won. :-D

BRY or It Burns Inside Your Soul

I know your heart and I know your mind
I know the voices deep inside
Your head - they speak inside me, too
Familiar as a friend

My heart burns inside your soul
Deep within yourself, you know
You hear my mind as I hear yours
Forever lost...inside ourselves

Far inside you sing to me
The songs that tell your pain
I scream alone and sometimes weep
For your heartache that I share

My heart is heavy with the burden of your fears
Society ignores and conceals the pain we feel inside
Can we take much more?

But love also dwells inside that heart
The beauty in your face
Brings and smile and brightens
My most depressing days

Please understand my feelings
Reflections of your own
And listen for my heart because
It burns inside your soul

Next is one written by a friend of mine growing up. His name is John Willis. I have no idea what he's up to or where he is now and I really hope he doesn't mind me posting this on my blog. The poem is really beautiful though and I want to share it.

Candycorn Fields

Candycorn field stretching for miles
Candycorn pickers with warm greeting smiles
I stop to ask someone, is this place heaven
He says, "No, heaven is that way - near Seven Eleven"
Then what is this place I ask the small man
He says, "I'll try to explain it the best that I can
See these are candycorn fields and we are the planters
These are candycorn fields and that's all that matters
You see we've made a special place here
To be just what we are
See candycorn fields are where you can go
When the world gets too bad or you feel all alone
And all you must do when it comes time to leave
Is open your eyes and cease to believe
That this place exists, or that you have been here
But always come back because we hold you quite dear
And if one day you like, there is a spot you can fill
So you too can plant in candycorn fields."

I found bits and pieces of this one written down...I'm going to clean it up a little and try and get it on here like it should be (or close). I seem to remember sitting on the top of my house and watching the sun set. We lived on the edge of town and the whole area was just flat - so a good sunset can really be quite an event in the Panhandle. This is currently...


The glorious day grows weary
Eyelids heavy, she begins her retreat
But vain, she cannot go
Without one last wonderous show
A final spectacle, a diva's encore
She uncovers her sunset
Revealing beautiful colors
Astonishing all who cast their eyes upon her
Colors brighten then darken, flow and change
Reds and yellows, then purples to blue
Light dims, daylight fades into night
And she is gone

This one kind of freaked me out when I read it recently. I remember very specifically the mental image I had writing this so long ago. If any of you have seen What Dreams May Come you will remember the house that the couple has that reinvents itself in the wife's hell - broken and in disrepair. The symbolism of that house in the movie is quite similar to what I had in my head here.

The Castle

Look around!
Is this really all that's left of the beauty that once stood here?
Can it be that time has finally worn away the splendor?
Once so great, true, and strong.
It spread its arms around me, protecting me
I remember...
Feeling warm and secure
Dancing through beautiful, colorful rooms
Roaming and exploring every corner in my palace of light

But that was before...
Now my palace is demolished
Cracked, crumbling, and filled with holes
Nothing left but emptiness in a place that held so much
I weep for what I've lost
I want to rebuild but can't
It's gone. It will never return.
The perfect structure that was here was only in my mind
A tangible shape given to the love that we had
The battles in my mind tore the building apart
The walls! The walls gave way and love broke free...escaped
It's no longer mine
Never again will I feel the joy of sunshine breaking through these windows
Ricocheting off the walls, your love will never brighten my day
The light is gone, the sun has set.
Perhaps it will come again tomorrow, but will it feel the same?

I've probably bored you all enough at this point. I realize my writing at this point (think 13 - 14) is quite cryptic and obtuse, even with a little editing here and there. Maybe I'll post some more later - or maybe you'll beg me not to!
Anyway - that's all for now. I'm sure there's something else out here on this internet I can get into until 9...


Can't Shake It

I'm starting to belive that I am becoming some sort of a compulsive person. I'm not sure exactly WHAT kind of compulsive person, but there are simply too many things these days that I am unable to shake. Mentally, physically, emotionally - I'm a basketcase because one thing will come into my head and I will obsess over it nearly constantly. The biggest problem comes when something ELSE comes into my head and the same thing happens - without my being able to drop the first (or second, or third, for that matter).

So my list of things I can't shake:

1. This weird flu thing - Now I know this is not exactly my fault (expect for the fact that maybe my body is just forcing me to get more sleep) but I can't seem to shake it. I'm still coughing and stuffy. I was in bed for a majority of my weekend again. Getting up in the morning is the hardest part. I just want to sleep all day!!

2. Love - This one is really starting to bug me. You know that old song "Love is in the air"? Well it is. And I wish it would stop. But even if it did I don't know if *I* could stop thinking of it. Every movie on TV. Every person I talk to. Every conversation I have centers around relationships and love. Having it, wanting it, losing it, missing it. This little obsession I think has been around the longest, making it pretty much the central part of my day. This is also the obsession most likely to drive me absolutely stark raving mad. I'll either lose my mind and fall in love with a stranger or become a nun. Countdown has started. Look for updates soon.

3. Money - Why don't I have any? How can I get more? What will I do with it when I have it? Can I possibly fit my party lifestyle into a budget? I've always been a tightwad. I can stretch a dollar for days. It's just the way I've always been. But lately it's just been slipping thru my fingers like water. The tighter I try to hold on to it the faster it goes. I'm going to have to figure something out soon because being broke sucks.

4. Spirituality - see my previous recent post about the lack of it - and subsequent need for it - in my life. I really think that a healthy concentration on this area - and some serious time devoted to it - might help me in some of these other insane areas of my life. However, it's like it's just beyond my grasp. Other things keep coming up that take up my time and effort. I have GOT to work this back in or face the concequences.

5. An odd mothering instinct -'s NOT my biological clock. It's not that I want my OWN children - just being around kids in general. It's just that I find myself feeling motherly in a lot of situations lately. My roommates kids have been the only solace in my life recently - especially the 4-year-old. He's my little hyperactive bundle of sanity. I've also been considering getting back into a mentoring program - I've definitely missed that since I've been in Houston. But of course I've got to get my head right in a lot of these other areas first. Even with some of my friends - I find myself wanting to coax, counsel, and guide them more than I should. Just some sort of weird mothering thing I've got going on right now....weird...

I suppose those are the big 5. Which, when you consider how fully I can obsess about things, is a LOT. Some of you know - some of you have been the bearer of some of my mental upchuckings on these situations. Even my decision to blog on these things today is quite scary - just because I have nothing else on my mind. So that's it. Want to talk on any of these topics? I'm your gal. I'll go for hours.

Somebody stop me!

Friday, February 04, 2005

Lessons Learned

I remember the events like they happened yesterday. It is one of those terrible memories that will sit with me unti the day my hair is grey and I may not be able to tell you what I had for breakfast that morning - but I will recall this story.

I was ten years old - in the fifth grade. One day two of the most popular girls in my class showed up in matching tie-dyed jumpers. They were cotton, had shorts, and knots tied at the shoulders. They were the greatest things I'd ever seen. The following day, three more girls showed up wearing "the" jumper. I went home that day and begged my mother for one of the jumpers that all of the popular girls were wearing. I continued to beg incessantly for days, to no avail. Money was tight and we simply could not afford a new outfit on a whim. At school I felt like an outcast. One by one, seemingly every girl in the fifth grade showed up wearing a tie-dyed, knotted shoulder, short jumper; and every dayI was crushed.

My humiliation grew exponentially until one day, a couple of weeks later, when my mother gave in and took me out to buy my very own tie-dyed jumper. I was beyond ecstatic...I was elated. Finally, I would become a member of the elite. I yanked a jumper off of the rack and hustled my mother out of the store as quickly as I could - certain she would change her mind.

As soon as I got home I ran back to my room to try on my new prized possession. I put it on and flung my closet door open, exposing my full-length mirror. My jaw dropped. I couldn't speak. My mind did not want to believe the facts that my eyes were sending its way. I looked terrible! I looked HORRID! The jumper fell all wrong on my young figure. My legs looked even shorter than usual - and fat! The fabric hung loosely around my middle, giving the illusion of an odd pre-pubescent pregnancy. The jumper was all wrong. Stubborness prevailed the next morning, however, when I insisted on wearing the atrocity to school anyway. The matter, after all, was not to look good but to prove to my peers that I was in fact one of them.

I should have left the outfit at home. I should have trusted the fates. Because when I showed up at school ready to show the world that I was a popular girl too, the trend had faded completely. I was so caught up in becoming part of the group that I'd neglected to see that the group had transformed. The girls in my grade had become obsessed with the next big fashion craze. No one cared that I had finally become one of them because "them" meant something totally different that day. I had missed the boat.

This was one of the few times in my adolescent life that I had made an attempt to be a part of the in-crowd. I was generally a very level-headed and rational little gal. But for some reason, at this time, in this way I had wanted to be a part. I decided that my possessions or the way that I looked was going to make people like me. I'd forgotten the words that my grandfather told me every single time I visited him - "You just always be as sweet as you are and everyone will always love you."

This awkward chidhood moment has remained fresh in my memory for over 10 years now, and I'm glad. It reminds me that every time I want to do something to be a part of the "in" crowd - it's just not worth the effort. I've received far more positive attention and gained many more friends simply by being myself.

The lesson for today is:
Be friendly, smile at strangers, and allow your own distinct and dazzling fashion statements be what others see about you. Those that appreciate you as you truly are will be those worthy of spending your time with. Those that would judge you based upon your brand-name clothes or your propensity to keep up with the latest fads will soon pass out of your thoughts as quickly as the latest trends will pass through theirs.

To loving yourself and loving others who do the same,

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Back to the Basics

Life is so good these days I can hardly stand it. My biggest gripes are that there's never enough money between paydays (but really, when is there EVER?) and the same old allergy/flu issues that plague me every year around this time. I have a really great life, really wonderful friends, and plenty of love given and received to make my heart full.

Even with all of these great things, though, I've found myself a little more down over the past couple of weeks than I should be. Introspective as usual, I've definitely found my issue. Spending time in my wonderful life with all of my wonderful friends I've lost the time to take care of some of the basics. Spiritually, I am once again beginning to falter. I started out 2005 with a bang - ready to really get in touch with my spiritual self. I hoped to perform at least some minor rituals a few times a week - rituals for love, friends, and prosperity that would keep my life on the positive track that it has been on. And for the first couple of weeks of 2005 I kept with that, and the results have certainly showed. The problem is that while taking advantage of all of the good things that come from utilizing all of the positive energies within myself and the world arond me, I've lost touch with those energies.

It's time to find some balance. It's time to get back to the basics. I'm going to have to cut back on some of my happy-go-lucky times to make sure that I am caring for my spirit enough for them to continue indefinitely. My friends are wonderful and I'm sure they will understand. Maybe and hopefully some of them will want to take a part in these things with me - because the more positive energy brought into a ritual, the better.

So this is my plan. And I'm counting on those of you who are reading this to help me stick to it. I need my spiritual time. I need that positive energy in my life - just as much as I need all of you. So...bear with me - or come with me - while I attempt to get back on track with an important part of my life. Blessings for me and for all of you.


Tuesday, February 01, 2005


Okay. I successfully fought off allergies earlier this winter, but now I'm up against a far greater adversary. The Flu. My boss had it last week and was out the entire week. I started feeling a little tickle in my throat and my nose started acting up on Friday afternoon. I spent the majority of my weekend in a semi-comatose state in the bed. I'm still feeling like hammered and stomped-upon dog poo, but I'm surviving. Unfortunately this also means that I have no motivation or creativity to blog about anything more than my ailing nose/throat/lungs. But I felt bad for having not posted for a couple of days on the ol' blog so I figured I'd get it done. I've got a lot I've written and haven't posted and a lot I'd like to say - but just not today.

More later - when I'm feeling better...


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