Wanted: Masochist with Drywall Skillz

So...my friend Lauren's kitchen has been an absolute wreck for about a half a year. Her husband, bless his mid-lifin' heart, got talked into a kitchen renovation. He got pretty unmotivated about it right around the "tear the whole kitchen apart to make room for new shit" step. So now my friend has had little-to-no actual kitchen for a REALLY long time. This is really a shame, because she can be an awesome frickin' cook *especially* on chilly days (like we get every ONCE in a while in Houston) when it's too cold to go for a walk or a bike ride or even really leave the house. I really, really wanted to have some faith in Dave. I really did. I procrastinated over and over sending Chris to the house during one of his many days off (read: unemployed) to help jumpstart the project and get the kitchen done. Unfortunately, on his own, Dave sees the jumpstart to any good project at the bottom of a glass of whiskey. So you kinda get where THAT goes....
Anyway...so now Chris has a job. Like a real-deal, full-time, gettin' paid purty damn good money job. And now he no longer has those "days off" to go and light a tiny fire under Dave's behind. I feel kind of like I let my friend down. I no longer have a Houseboy to offer her. So I've decided I need to go out and find a new boyfriend. I need a new, unemployed houseboy (preferably with drywall and other honey-do expertise). He won't actually get any of the *real* perks of the relationship. I won't have sex with him. We won't get to spend any actual quality time together. I probably don't even have to really LIKE him that much. He just needs to be my beck-and-call boy. What does he get in return, you ask? Why, the pleasure of being MY boyfriend, of course! Who would do this, you ask? Don't frickin' ask me. I'll find him though. Time to go perusing through some nice BDSM sites. I want to be somebody's Master. Only there won't be any face-sitting or leather boot licking. I'll simply stand around my friend Lauren's kitchen in the evenings, cracking a purty red leather whip while my new BoyToy remodels and fixes-up her kitchen.

Please email your resume, references, and skills list.

Thank you.

:-D