Friday, February 11, 2005


Damn creeper headaches...
I was fine this morning when I woke up - save for a little (okay, a LOT) sleepy from my usual Wednesday night/Thursday night schedule. But as the morning is wearing on here at work I'm starting to develop a headache. I drank a good bit of bourbon last night and topped it off with a couple of Cape Cods so I suppose a headache is simply in order. But I thought I'd snuck by it. Apparently I'm not as sneaky as I'd hoped. Because now I'm here at work with a pounding headache. But it's starting to wane, so I'm sure I'll survive.

My heart is spinning as of late. Feelings flying by, knocking me off balance, and confusing the hell out of me. But it's okay. I'd much rather go through life FEELING things than just be a stone-cold person who is unaffected by the emotions and people that pass. Spending time with Chris over the past couple of days has been an absolute whirlewind of emotion. There are some times that I look at him and think that I see the end. I can almost see the point where we'll lose what we have and become simple friends. I can see my heart finally breaking from the stress and the pain of loving him too much and I change the course. And then something will happen... It's usually nothing big - just a little smile or a touch or a word and I'm back. My heart swells again and I'm sure I'm in for the long haul. I honestly couldn't tell you which hurts worse. On one hand I do dread the day that I give up on Chris - my feelings for him are a bright spot in my heart. But on the other hand, realizing that I can't turn away and will continue my waiting is nearly as hard.

In addition to the confusion of Chris I'm thinking an awful lot lately about this new person that I've found myself interested in. I probably should give him a name since I see myself talking about him more and more in this blog. I think I will call him...Blue. Because that's the color of his eyes. There are times in fact when he pervades my thoughts so much I'm nearly sure he's taken Chris's place. And then reality steps in and I know that while thinking of Blue makes me smile he's not quite to Chris's level yet - perhaps just because we don't spend as much time together. I'm hoping that starts to change soon, though. I really, really do. There's just a really nice newness to a shiny new toy.

So that's my Friday. Headachy and thoughtful. I plan to go home tonight and go to bed. I have no money for going out and I could really use some sleep. I hope everyone has a great weekend.



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