Monday, July 04, 2005

The Panic Button

Yep ... somebody hit it.

From time to time I am prone to panic attacks. Nothing really starts the trend, they just kind of show up one day. But once they start...they don't stop. I can panic over just about anything. What's for dinner? Do I have clothes to wear to work tomorrow? Money? Anything is fair game to put me into a tizzy.

I just got home from the movies. Me, Dude, Misty, and R went out to watch War of the Worlds. A movie like that will make you think. What would you do if something like that happened? Would you run? Stay in one place and hide? Are you paranoid? Do you stockpile food and water? Do you prepare at all for an emergency or do you not worry until something actually happens?

During my Panic phases I tend to think about these things a lot. I start to keep more water with me than I normally would. I tend to stockpile away food and such. I prepare for a global catastrophe.

But there's something new this time.

I'm not just preparing myself for a global tragedy. I'm not only preparing myself for a tangible catastrophic event. I'm also preparing for a mental disaster. Unfortunately, no amount of preparation can alleviate the fear of this kind of a Waterloo. This is where the panic seeps in.

I have a great imagination. My mind is an amazing tool of visualization. A lot of times this comes in handy. Sometimes, like now, it's crippling. I run through tragedies and heaertaches in my head so thouroughly that I can feel them. It's like I'm living them before they happen. I'm hurting before the blow.

Before the movie started, I was chin-deep in one of these horrible attacks. I prayed silently for the movie to start - for something besides this deep pain to fill my mind. Horrible events played through my head. Of course, the movie started and my mind focused on preparing for a different kind of tragedy - the Hollywood extra-terrestrial tragedy. While I was nearly as panicked walking out of the movie theater, it wasn't nearly as bad as the panic before.

The movie is over. We're back at home and I am attempting to stave off yet another attack. I know that this situation is outside of my sphere of influence. I know that there is nothing that I can do to stop something if it is going to happen. But somehow I am unable to stop the "what if" movie from playing through my head - over and over and over again.

I need some Xanex. Or some whiskey. There simply is not enough distraction in this world.

Or maybe I just need to focus. I need to take control of the situation. I control me. After years of allowing myself to be controlled I forget this sometimes. I'm not very good at it yet, but I am getting better. I control myself and my emotions with regards to others all the time. But I am my own strongest adversary. I am simply not adept at battling myself. But I will try. I have to try. Because sometimes there's just not enough whiskey or Xanex.

It's time for me to do this.

I will do this.

I have to.

Oh
Fuck

God and Goddess, grant me the wisdom to find my own strength,

Darbi

7 Comments:

At 3:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wishing I was there to give you a big hug and shoulder...no, not to cry on, but to rest on. I love you, my dear friend, and I pray for you daily.

Always,
Robyn

 
At 9:41 AM, Blogger L said...

i hear ya. i get panic attacks all the time. sometimes they go away for a bit, other times they are all over me. i have a klonopin prescription for those times. :) i love your drunk entry. it makes me want to fly down to texas and meet you right now.
lots of love,
L

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger Darbi said...

Robyn...thank you, always, for your unending support and friendship. You mean the world to me!

L...Come on down!! And bring your Klonopin!! Hahaha!

 
At 12:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sister, I will share my Wellbutrin with ya and I am here to listen anytime, anyplace. I love you!

Misty

 
At 6:54 PM, Blogger The Merry Widow said...

Hang in there, Darbi! Come on by if you need company!

 
At 5:50 PM, Blogger Old woman said...

I too have suffered panic attacks for the past 26 years! Now my daughter has joined me. I empathize with you so much - In my heyday, Xanax wasn't yet invented, but Valium did the trick (as did many Coors Lights). I am currently taking Effexor - it seems to have quieted the attacks, or maybe just now that I'm old I don't care as much. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Just keep on hanging on, and try to remember the true gifts in life - waking up everyday, the sun, the blue sky, etc (not to sound silly and sentimental, but focusing on those things really does help_.

 
At 7:44 PM, Blogger Darbi said...

Old Woman ... wow, it's not easy to call anybody that! Hahaha!
Thanks for reading my blog!

 

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