Monday, January 24, 2005

How's It Going?

Okay. I've been pretty good over the past few posts to actually post some interesting information instead of just "this is what's going on". But I do feel the need for some of my friends who keep up with me by this blog to post a little bit about what's going on. So here last couple of weeks, in a nutshell (besides squished):

First - tossing the Plan. Keep Chris Casual plan has been tossed out the damn window. I started to realize that based upon the requirements of this plan I was doing things that I really didn't want to do. Simply to keep him a little further out of my mind I was letting people in that I had little-to-no romantic interest in. So I figure I'm setting myself up for a little heartache because he *is* on my mind an awful lot these days but I would rather be hurting because of being true to myself than to be semi-happy while deceiving myself day after day. Pain will happen. Even on the happiest life-track you could possibly live, you're bound to get hurt. So live life the way you want to - be true to your heart and your feelings, and take what comes of it.

Next - he's so close...
Just after tossing the Plan out the window Chris and I had the opportuinity to spend a lot of time together. His work schedule allowed that I could pick him up last Monday night. He had scheduled some time on Tuesday night with another girl who lives in TW but she no-showed. So he stayed with me...until Friday morning he stayed. That's FOUR nights. Four nights with him sleeping in my bed. Four nights of the best sleep I've had in years. The biggest disappointment of the week - missing the cafe. It was bittersweet though - as the reason why we missed it was that we were curled up in bed together napping. We had been out relatively late on Monday and Tuesday nights. He picked me up from work on Wednesday and we decided we'd nap before going out to the cafe. We laid in bed, got all snuggly and warm, and slept. We ended up sleeping straight thru the night. I woke up at about 12:30 and we took out our contacts and settled right back into sleep. I did miss the cafe and am definitely aching for it this week - but snuggled up with Chris was the next best place to be.

(damn blogger - pardon the curtness of the following since I already typed it once and it didn't SAVE!)

Following that - The Aftermath...
FOUR nights...he was in my bed for four whole nights. I took him home on Friday early in the m0rning. It was the highlight of my year (yes, I realize it's only January but it sounded good...) It was wondeful. Throughout the day on Friday I started realizing how difficult going home to an empty bed was going to be. I dreaded the house and going to sleep. I truly didn't think I could take it. It hurt just thinking about it. So I decided that the only option would be not to go to sleep on Friday night...I'd have to pass out. After copious amounts of drinking at 2 different bars and finishing it off with a VERY healthy glass of bourbon at home, I accomplished my goal. Thank Goddess for Carmilla, the best roommate a lonely girl (or any girl) could ever ask for. She laid in bed with me while I finished off my bourbon so the bed would be a little fuller. She even sat there while I drunk-dialed Chris to slurringly tell him how much I missed him next to me. She stayed with me until I passed out, according to plan. The next night she slept with me too. Last night...I was in her bed. So I've gone a full seven days and not had to sleep alone (thanks, Carmilla). I've just got to get thru tonight and tomorrow I will be picking Chris up again.

And then there is - The Confusion (part 1)...
Dumb girls. Silly, stupid girls. Lucky for me, but a confusion nontheless. Chris is one of the greatest people that was ever put onto this lousy planet. And these girls - like the one that ditched him on Tuesday night - just don't get it. I would - at any time and HAVE dropped everything, spent money I didn't have, and gone without sleep - to spend just a little more time with him. And these other girls that he meets from time to time just don't show him the attention he deserves. They dont' show up at all or are late. They're gripey or mean. I don't get it. Sometimes I just want to shake them - to tell them that they're insane. Of course, I don't...because it does mean more time that he spends with me. While that kind of selfishness is not good - it sure FEELS good. I'd love nothing more than to have him all to myself...but that's up to him to give. I just wait...

And finally - The Confusion (part 2)...
Here is my final thought for this Monday morning and it's regarding that evil green-eyed monster. That's right. Jealousy. I am simply not a jealous individual, however I have, as of late, begin to feel something that is similar to it. The strange thing about it though, is that I think I'm feeling it backwards. What do you think, faithful blogreaders? I dont' want to keep Chris from anything he wants in this world. I want him to have everything he could ever want or need. But it does hurt when I think of him with other people. I don't think it hurts like a regular jealousy would hurt, though. I'm simply afraid. I'm afraid that another girl is going to come along and play him just the right way to take him away. I'm afraid that I'm just not good enough for him to love and when another girl comes along that is I'll lose him. My rational mind tells me that I will never lose him as a friend, but there's just that fear. Because I think at the root of everything that's what jealousy is - fear. And I don't like to be afraid. But I am. And it's hard.
The most confusing part - I really get the feeling that if he did decide to commit, if we were in a relationship - all of that jealousy/fear would go away. I trust Chris - more than I trust anyone. And if I knew I had him, I'd know. Nothing he could do, no flirting, no talking, no time with anyone else would worry me. Because I trust him. And that's all. So how is it right that without being in a relationship I'm scared as hell, but absolutely sure that if we were I wouldn't be. Geez...I never cease to amaze myself.

Here's to catching up...hope all is well with you,

and a final p.s. - holy shit, see A Home At The End Of The World with Colin Farrell...I haven't seen anything hotter in a long time than him making out and dancing with Dallas Roberts. It was one of the sexiest things I've ever seen in this life.


At 10:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Told you that you would like the damn movie. Thinking about buying it, must buy the Soundtrack. CC

At 10:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just knew you would like the movie. Now I just need to get the Soundtrack. Loved the music.


At 10:33 AM, Blogger Darbi said...

Two nearly identical comments only 5 minutes apart...have we been talking with Jose again???



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