Friday, January 28, 2005

Finding some answers...

This blog came from a pen to some paper at Sam's Boat last night. Chris and I were there listening to live music as usual. I'd had a few thoughts floating thru my mind all day and they all kind of flew together and made sense all at once in the middle of a set. An epiphany! I pulled out my pen and paper and put my thoughts down - knowing the whole time that I'd have to put them here today. I've been looking for some logic - something that I can follow through all of the crazy emotions that run through my brain every day. And I think I found some! So...

While I wait for love to come there is one thing that I am sure of. Every man who comes into my life will immediately be measured against the standard set by Chris. It's quite a daunting idea, but true. I am afraid that it will be too high a hurdle for most, but I refuse to lower my standards. I will not settle. I have to have faith that someone will come along...or that he will. At this point, I am completely at a loss as to which of these is a more remote possibility. There are times that I believe that Chris will never ever change - and others that I am sure he can...and will. But I will wait. I will learn patience. Love will come.

The question is - how does Chris make me feel and why do I feel that way only about him? There are a lot of other men in my life - lots of people that I talk to and spend time with. But for some reason the time spent with Chris stands out above all of these. The answer, I've come to find, is that he challenges me. He makes me think. He makes me wonder. My favorite books and movies make me question reality. I get great joy out of mind-twisting mysteries. Apparently I like the same thing from men. I want to be challenged. With Chris, the truth is that I really have no idea how he feels or what he thinks about "us". It's a constant mind-tease.

I want someone to love me. But, please, don't make it so obvious. Make me think about it. Make me wonder. The obvious pick-up lines, the cheesy and predictable flirts, just don't do it to me. I like my romance with some high-brow riddles and twists. Intelligent, mind-blowing, thought provoking innuendos are what draw me.

My next question to myself is "What will happen once the mysteries have been solved? Will I be bored?" I can confidently say that the answer is no. Solace lies in the fact that at the end of the books and movies that I love so much - when the truth and the facts are all laid out on the table - I'm still not bored. I don't lose interest. I will watch the movie or read the book again and again. I continue to love them. So...when "he" comes, whoever "he" is, I know I will never get tired of what we will have. Knowing that he loves me - knowing the feelings hiding behind - won't dampen the excitement.

It feels wonderful to have so much faith in what I will have one day. I am sure that regardless of who I am sharing my life with it will be wonderful. I deserve that, and I am confident enough to admit that today - to myself and to anyone happening in to read this. I just have to have the patience to wait for it.

Have a good weekend everybody!


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