Friday, December 10, 2004

Happy Place

What a happy place I'm in today. Some of my more notable emotional demons have been successfully exorcised and I'm feeling very mentally sound at the moment. I've come to a real revelation regarding my own personal definition of a "serious relationship". What has scared me in the recent past about relationships, and I think what scares a lot of people about them, is their reputation for being a first step. First you're in a "serious relationship". Then after a particular period of time you are expected to get "engaged". Then "married". Then we all know what happens from there, don't we folks - FOREVER.... Therefore the finality of the last step has seeped its way back into the first. Being the big trailblazer that I am, I have chosen to reverse that meaning seepage back and redefine for myself the meaning of "relationship".
What I crave from a relationship is the person-to-person dealing that comes from two people sharing a life together. There is an exciting mental dynamic that you can't get anywhere else than from having a significant other. That's what makes the other person "significant"! Sharing the happy times, arguing over dilemmas, and even fights can be rewarding and exciting when brought between two respectful adults. So this is what I want from someone else. I'm not looking for a first step to marraige. I'm not even completely out of the marraige that I'm currently tangled up in! I just spent four and a half years of my life wrapped up in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship. I want to know what a good relationship is like. BUT I don't want it to go too far.
So this is what I'm coveting today - a serious, short-term relationship. I want someone that isn't going to hate me if I ditch them in a month or two and still want to remain friends. I want something like a month-to-month lease on an apartment. I want someone to commit themselves fully to me, as I will to them, but still understand that sometime in the not-to-distant future I want to turn it back and be on my own again.
This great back and forth debate that has gone on in my head for well over a month has finally been compromised and decided. "I want a relationship" and "I don't want to get married yet" have come together to form this new aspiration. to the task of finding someone else who's progressive enough to want this too... revelation, new dilemma....le sigh.... :-p


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