All You Need Is Love...

I don't think I've ever needed to blog something more than I need to blog right now, but I also have never had such a hard time getting an entry started...

Damn...

In my mind, my relationship with Chris has been like a month-to-month lease on an apartment. While there's always the possibility that it's going to be someplace I choose to live for a long time, the reality of the situation is that I will probably pick up and move someplace else soon.

We were talking last night - as we often do, laying in the bed staring at each other - and I was speaking purely hypothetically about what might happen in a situation if we were together far, far down the road. He says, "I like the way that sounds."

"What?"

"I like the way that sounds."

"What?????"

Basically, through about fifteen minutes of me asking for clarification on something that he KNEW I was hearing correctly but not really believing - I got it. He's thinking more in terms of a long-term lease arrangement. I'm floored but not totally caught by surprise. He has mentioned things here and there over the last couple of weeks that implied a longer commitment than we had originally planned on. Nothing HUGE...just little comments here or there. This was the first, real, in-my-face admission that he can see "us" going somewhere farther down the road.

So here is what you all are expecting. Me - jumping around, flailing my arms, crying silly tears of joy, and professing my undying love and affection. Here is what happened - I sat on the bed, even more confused, not knowing what to think.

After a couple of really idiotic tries at getting what was in my brain to come out of my mouth (these tries sounded really hideous and I will not share them here), this is what I came up with.

The reason that I would choose to be in a relationship with anyone - and indeed probably what I love the most about relationships and the reason why I find it very hard NOT to be in one - is growth. I like the feeling of growing with another person. I grow as a person, he grows as a person, and we grow with each other. It's a beautiful, wonderful, and satisfying feeling. Chris and I have grown a lot in the four months that we have been an "official" couple, and even a lot in the few months before we made it official. I love him. He loves me. We are NOT *in love* ... but that's no good reason not to love someone. :-D But...as Pearl S. Buck points out, "Love dies only when growth stops." In addition to this, I believe that love can only exist when there is room to grow. This has been a very important factor to the relationship between Chris and I. Since a short-term commitment leaves little room to grow, I don't have to worry about *falling in love* with someone who I don't ever expect to be with on a long-term basis. I know what to expect, I deal with that, and I go on. But now...with this new situation...with one little sentence "I like the way that sounds"...it's different. There's suddenly an AWFUL LOT more room out there in front of us than before. There's a possibility for many more months or years together than before.

So where does that leave love...with all of that room to grow?

Chris is an amazingly great person, inside and out, and I have no problem believing that with room to grow my feelings for him will blossom.

My biggest problem was this - does he have the capacity to grow too? Is he tapped out at the level of love that he feels for me now? If I commit myself to him for more than a month-to-month lease is it only my heart that will be doing all of the growing? Joni Mitchell asked, "Are you gonna let me go there by myself? That's such a lonely thing to do..." I don't want to go there by myself. I am not expecting a promise of more love or an expectation of falling in love... I just need to know that there is room for it to grow IF it will grow.

He says, "I think so."

And that's okay with me.

Because I think if I were ABLE to give a short explanation of anything running through my mind, I would "think so" too...

So here we are ... four months in ... taking another step together.

I love him.

Darbi