Monday, May 09, 2005

See Darbi Run

See Darbi.
Darbi likes to run.
Darbi likes to run alone.
She likes to run in secret
When no one else knows she is going.

See Darbi.
Darbi runs fast.
Darbi also runs far.
She is a great runner
Who can outrun an awful lot.

See Darbi.
Darbi gets tired eventually.
Darbi can only run so far away.
Eventually she wears out and
The things that she is running from catch up.

See Darbi.
See Darbi sleep.
See Darbi give in but not deal.
When her eyes are closed and no one is there
She doesn’t have to deal with what has caught up.

So she sleeps.
Even though she knows she shouldn’t.
So she tries – finally – to stay awake for once.
But after running so far, so fast, and for so long – it’s hard.

Welcome to my blog for May 9, 2005. Bet you didn’t know you were reading the blog of a marathon runner! Not a runner in the “damn my legs are skinny” sense, but a runner in the deeply symbolic sense. I don’t run often, but when I do you better look the fuck out – because I’m going for a while. The best thing about my running is that you’ll never know I’m gone. Until I stop. Because it does wear me out and I tend to withdraw. Once I stayed in bed for 3 weeks. I’d run only for a couple of months that time. I think I’ve built more stamina now. I’ve been running for months. But I’ve grown tired and I’m through running. Now it’s decision time. Every other time I stop and I take a BIG rest…still not ready to deal, I want to draw inward. I want to go to bed and sleep for even more than 3 weeks. I want to turn off my phone, close my door, turn out the lights and just lay there. Because if I don’t, I have to face what I’ve been running from. Staying awake means facing what catches up...dealing.

I think at the root of it all that’s been why I’ve been neglecting my blog. From the very beginning my blog has meant telling the truth. There’s not much that I hide here. And I’ve been slowing down from my marathon sprint lately and know that it’s time to make a choice. I think the real brakes were hit during my Easy Instruction are Hard To Follow post. What I'd really love to do is sleep…and forget this technological truth serum all together – but what I ought to do is blog and deal. I’m afraid that my position in life right now though simply won’t let me withdraw. Too many people are going to keep me awake. And I’m simply too tired to run anymore. So I guess my choice is made.

For today, confession is the first step. I’ll deal more later. Patience, Grasshopper. I hope to tell more soon.

Breathing a little easier already,


At 7:06 AM, Blogger L said...

i always sleep to forget about things. it's my favorite escape. i hope you figure stuff out.
i love that poem by the way. i feel like it could also be used to describe the cyle of mania and depression. i'm not sure what i'm writing right now. i wish i had the words to say what i really wanted to say.
*thinking of you.*

At 9:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is best for YOU?!?!?
You have come to far to start running are almost at the finish line of a long journey that was way over due :)

At 9:15 PM, Blogger The Merry Widow said...

Marathons are too tiring. Why don't you try some slower, casual jogs? Much easier to take in the scenery that day. Plus, not too hard on the system. Call me if you need a partner! I'm here for you!


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